


I am only human

by Humanity_Strongest_001



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), Shadowhunters (TV) RPF, The Mortal Instruments (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Bullying, Death, Eating Disorder, Emotional Asmodeus, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Forgiveness, Grief, Guilt, Hallucinations, Hurt Magnus Bane, Insomnia, Isabelle anorexia, Loss of a Brother, Loss of a Friend, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus's grandfather is a dickhead, Malec feelings for each oher in chapter 15 continues, Malec relationship blossoms, Mass shooting, Mental health disorder, PTSD, Past Abuse, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Asmodeus (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Psychology, Psychosis, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, community in morurning, creepypasta mentioned, depressed Asmodeus, loss of a son, moruning, schoolshooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:15:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 33
Words: 24,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21832027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humanity_Strongest_001/pseuds/Humanity_Strongest_001
Summary: I know you are dead and I know you left so early, but you don’t know what it is like to grief alone, when the all city is grieving their loved ones that you took away on that day.After a deadily shooting at Silverton High, Magnus Bane picks up the pieces that his brother has caused. Can he understand why his brother did what he did?  Will he be able to forgive?
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Max Lightwood, Asmodeus & Magnus Bane, Asmodeus & his eldest son, Isabelle/simon - Relationship, Jace/Clary, Magnus & his brother, Magnus Bane & Ragnor Fell, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus/Alec Lightwood, Maryse Lightwood/Robert Lightwood, Raphael Santiago & Magnus Bane
Comments: 70
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Geeky_Angelo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geeky_Angelo/gifts).



> This fanfic will mainly focus on Magnus and his thoughts. This fanfic will contain violence, desicription of death and murder. Please read at your own pace. If this fanfic isnt for you, then please press back.
> 
> If not I hope you enjoy this fanfic

**Chapter 1: Dear Diary**

**A/N: This is a short chapter, sorry for any inconveiniance.**

_Dear brother,_

_Tuesday 14 th June 2016_

_I know you are dead and I know you left so early, but you don’t know what it is like to grief alone, when the all city is grieving their loved ones that you took away on that day. Dad has locked himself in his bedroom. You wouldn’t know what grief is now, you wouldn’t. The therapist said to write things down, to get it down on paper. So that is what I am doing._

_Kieran, I will tell you what you did to me and this family: I get the strange feeling of emptiness in the heart, a shear of nothingness that somehow takes over and holds the soul and threatens to kill me entirely. It gives me this heavy feeling that’s like the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders and there is nothing I can do to get out from under it. It’s like this hole in my heart that is the shape of the one I lost and that makes me feel the need to wipe away any non-existent tears that I want to form but can’t._

_You have torn this family, and you’re on the news, the newspapers and everywhere on social media, I don’t even know you anymore, should I grief for you? Should I not? I don’t know... Dad hasn’t gone back to work and I am afraid to leave the house. I was going to meet up with my friend the day after, but now I can’t even go and see her in her coffin._

_The police have searched your bedroom, but I haven’t even looked into the bedroom, dad has cleaned up the room and now it looks like every day you are going to come back but you see you can’t because you had to go and take 15 lives with you._

_I need to go and hide this diary, because if dad finds this he will become more angry and more you know what I am talking about Kieran._

_I will write to you soon.... Magnus Bane – Your brother_

I looked at the first page; I was scared to even write down my thoughts, the numbness feeling in my whole body. I close the diary and shove it under my pillow case. It was late, as I couldn’t go to sleep as the sounds of the echoes of the ear-splitting gunshots will go through my mind.

“Magnus you are not going to bed?” I jumped as I looked at my dad; his eyes were red, as he came over and hugged me. If Kieran saw this he would smile. My dad left the room leaving me with my thoughts again.

_How are we ever going to get through this?_ I thought as I lay down on my bed and just stared up at the white ceiling. 

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I won’t be updating as I will be going on holiday next week, my second update on this fanfic will be in the New Year.**


	2. The sinking feeling sets

**Chapter 2: The sinking feeling sets.**

**A/N: Set the day after the shooting**

****

**_Magnus P.O.V_ **

****

I looked through the window as the world was silent as if it ended in the night. The sun is still decisively below the horizon and the street is as dark as some old – school black and white movie. I close my eyes as my brother’s face was smiling at me, I opened my eyes again as I looked at the swing which was tied to an old oak tree.

I turn reluctantly to the light switch and flick it, immediately the room is bathed in that unnatural electric glow. I should do something about that; get some fancy soft glow bulb, or perhaps just a bedside lamp. I thought as my alarm rang, as it echoed through my bedroom. I heard engines coming down the road as I looked outside the window to see two funeral cars go pass. I sighed as I shut the window.

“Are you going to eat breakfast?” I heard my dad’s voice. My mouth was dry as I turned to look at him, I shrugged. He sighed as he sat down on my bed, rubbing his hands as I sat next to him.

“From the depths of hell came a firebird, his songs not of flame but love. And in the early morning light, beneath a rising sun, he would raise his head to sing - the soothing melody. Though clear and true not all could hear and, though he sung to unlock their hearts, the love died cold at their feet and turned to ash. For the rest it was a song of salvation, of the power of love and eternal redemption. By this story I mean everyone survives it doesn’t matter how long it takes, but Magnus I want you to talk to me...” He said as I looked at him, I felt numb as he sighed as he left my bedroom. I clutched my legs together and began to cry. As thoughts run through my head.

**Alec P.O.V**

I walked out of my bedroom, the hall cold as I peered into Max’s bedroom. His bed was unmade as if he got out, manga was on his desk opened. I felt tears prick my eyes. _Mom and he went to the school to pick up Izzy as she was ill, then the shooting happened and..._ I ran to my bedroom and slammed the door as I punched the mirror. Glass shattered as mom ran in.

“darling...” she looked at me as she hugged. We both cried as I felt my heart shatter into millions of tiny pieces.

**Asmodeus P.O.V**

The bed was warm beneath me as I heard Magnus moving in his bedroom. _It’s the day of mourning._ I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to move at all. And in the moment I tried to distract myself by putting on my ‘good mood’ music playlist. It gives me the thoughts I need, that me as a father and as an individual. I can say that I am loved and I loved and still loved my eldest son. But I know what he did, I know I can’t escape it and I know Magnus cant either because it follows you around like a black shadow that's on the inside, eating you.

**Isabelle P.O.V**

I looked down at the plain white paper as I struggled writing down my emotions. I bit my lip as I resisted the urge to cry again. I picked up my pencil and started to write...

_Dear Max, my brother..._

_Everything is recycled, or so that is what I see with these eyes. The atoms of one thing become those of another. The energy from one place becomes energy in another. So while I have no idea where you are, or what God asked you to become next, I'm looking forward to being with you again and I feel your love so strongly in the ether. So, call it reincarnation or recycling, I'm okay with whatever. You are still somewhere, and that's what matters to me._

_From your big sister Izzy_

I stopped as I dropped down the pencil as I cried clutching the paper to my chest. _Why did my brother have to go. WHY?_ I screamed inside. It was like a raging war inside my head.

**A/N: did you enjoy this chapter? Which P.O.V did you like**


	3. The Knife to your heart

**Chapter 3:** **The knife to your heart**

_Sunday 19 th June 2016_

**The Lightwood house**

The scream pierced the silent house as the two brothers ran towards their sister’s bedroom. She was clutching the bed sheets as the light flickered on. She opened her eyes as she screamed at her brothers, as the memories of what happened came flooding back. Her brother hugged her, soothing her by whispering a melody in her ear. The crying died down as she was soon fast asleep.

**Magnus P.O.V**

The alarm blared as I stared at the ceiling. I was in the comfort in my bed, yet I felt no comfort just cold and the needles pricking into my skin. I wanted to lie in my bed and curl up. I didn’t want to get up and face the world again and again. As questions ran through my head; _why did you do this? How I should have been a better brother and looked out for you? Why didn’t I notice anything?_ The questions that I had no answers to.

They say he had depression, they said he was violent, they said he was taking drugs, they said he loved heavy metal and violent video games, they said that our father was abusive or was a drunk. This does not help to answer my questions I am so far to finding out the truth.

I sighed as I got up and dragged myself downstairs.

**Mayrise P.O.V**

_I am sorry for everyone’s loss._ The last comment read as I sighed, my boss son killed mine. As I felt angry. I saw a new comment updated as I read it out;

_I wasn’t a hero until you came after my baby boy. Then it was war. You crossed the line and I don’t forget. I won’t rest until you and your whole family are beaten – and I don’t mean just beaten down. I mean dead. There isn’t a place you can hide, I will find you, destroy you. I don’t care how it happens, I don’t need you to suffer, I just need you and your family extinguish from this universe. You may think it’s an overreaction, but you don’t know how much I love my child. Yeah your child died, but he killed all of our babies. This is your fault._

I liked the comment as I logged off; I turned around to see Alec standing there,

“Do you blame the whole family?” He looked at me with his sullen blue eyes,

“Yes Alec, look you...” I sighed not knowing what to say Alec sighed as he went out as I flinched as the door slammed.

**Magnus P.O.V**

I looked at the therapist as I sat on the leather chair,

“So have you written that poem from last week?” She looked at me as I sighed tapping the armrest with my fingernails, I sighed as I had 14 sessions left to get over.

“It’s at home.” I lied, I didn’t do it, I sighed as she smiled at me as she went on to giving advice, and I switched off as I found myself running.

His feet pounded the tarmac. His rasping throat was as parched as a dead lizard in the desert sun. His head bobbled loosely side to side with each footfall and his eyes felt heavy in their sockets. He ran down Hope Avenue, crossing over to Metropolitan Avenue, dodging cars and people. He carried on running. Before I knew it, I got to the gates of Silverton High. I wanted to turn around and run, I didn’t mean to come this far. I pulled down my hood, as I walked up to the gates. There was a shoe on the pavement as someone was trying to run away. Windows were smashed as bullet marks painted the door of the school.

I wanted to turn around and run home. I looked at the gate which was decorated with cards, bears and flowers. I closed my eyes as my brain put images into my head. I imagined the staff and children running away from a place where they suppose to be safe. I saw blood and fear written on their faces as death was closing in on them.

“Magnus!?” I turned around to see Alec standing there, he was holding flowers as I stuttered, he was about to say something as I ran, not looking back.

**_A/N: How was that chapter? What Mayrise was reading the comment. The comment was talking about Bane family, but mostly talking about Asmodeus._ **


	4. A father's love

**Chapter 4: A father’s love**

**_A/N: This chapter will be short_ **

****

_2 weeks before the shooting_

Asmodeus followed the sound of the sobs. Lucky for him Kieran always cried like there was a gale inside him fighting to get out. He sat on the damp pavement right next to him and followed his gaze to the moon, saying nothing. Kieran wiped his nose with his sleeve and glanced his way.

“I am a failure dad. Always. Why do you even bother?”

Asmodeus sighed,

“Kieran, I was there when you came into this word. I know you, the real one inside, not the one you show the world, you’re beautiful.” He hugged his son,

“I don’t blame you dad!” Kieran whispered. Kieran looked at his father,

“I rage, I get angry, I forget what you said and I mess up all over again.” Kieran was playing with his sleeve. As he held his gaze.

“I love you and that will never change. You are human like the rest of us and you make mistakes. You will continue to make them too, as do I. But what’s so special about you is that you own them, feel the hurt and force the pain to make you better.” Kieran sobs ebbed to a trickle and he took his father’s hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze and together they walked back into the house.

_Last minutes of Kieran_

**Kieran P.O.V**

The pain that once burned like fire had faded away to an icy numbness. Blackness filled the edges of my vision and the things I could hear was the sirens and my own heartbeat. My breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. Seconds passed as I lay there, then I heard voices, I felt someone check my pulse as I realized I am a monster.

These people that were trying to save me surely should know it was far too late for me to be saved, yet they were like children, naive to the darkness of the real world. The despair and suffering of the world that took everyone I loved away from me. I would be joining my mother soon though. _Stay strong Magnus and dad._ The thought went through my head. I would be able to leave all the pain behind. I felt my body jerk up as my soul lifted up and out of my ruined body.

****

**_A/N: I know this chapter is short but I wanted to let an insight of Kieran._ **

****


	5. Overcoming hate and embracing the love

**Chapter 5:** overcoming hate and embracing the love

**Lightwood house**

Alec came home to a quiet house, he sighed as his mind wondered back to where he met Magnus after the incident.

Isabelle stood in front of him, her arms crossed over her chest. She was glaring at him as Alec was uncomfortable,

“What?” Alec said as he walked past her.

“You went to the school without me!” Isabelle growled,

“Well I am sorry; anyway I just wanted to pay my respects on my own.” He sighed sitting down; Izzy slapped his arm as Alec glared at her.

“You know you were always stuck with that face.” She smirked as he rolled his eyes.

“I saw Magnus there. He looked lost and hurt...” Alec was about to go on as his sister interrupted as Jace walked into the room.

“Magnus is a little bitch. How dare he come back to Silverton?” Isabelle growled as Jace sighed as he sat down.

“He was probably there to pay his respects. His brother also died.” Alec defended, as Jace scoffed.

“Probably, or maybe Magnus might be planning another shooting or something...” Jace said as Isabelle agreed with him.

“Why are you defending him anyway? Max is dead. Our little brother is dead.” Isabelle growled.

“Don’t you think I know that Izzy. Every time I go past his room. I miss him as much as you miss him. But I don’t even blame Magnus heck everyone is fucking blaming Asmodeus. For being an ‘abusive father.’ But never blame Magnus for the death of Max...” He was interrupted by Jace.

“Izzy isn’t blaming Magnus for Max’s death...” Jace said,

“You know what Alec, Magnus and Kieran are alike; they both have their own ‘personal issues. You see Magnus should pay for what Kieran did. He shouldn’t be allowed to live in New York anymore...” Izzy stated as Alec grabbed her by her hair as Izzy punched him.

“You know what Izzy! It’s your fault that Max is dead...” Alec accidently blurted as Izzy slapped him and with that she ran out of the house.

Alec sighed as he looked at Jace... He was about to say something as Jace raised his hand to stop him from speaking.

“Alec just leave it, she will come around. But what you said was just...” He sighed as he walked upstairs.

Alec looked at the open door as he cussed and went to find his little sister.

* * *

**Bane house**

Magnus was pacing as he felt clammy and sick. He sat down again trying to sit still but couldn’t. He sighed as he got his journal out as he started to write.

_Sunday 19 th June 2016._

_Dear Kieran..._

_I don’t know what to say. Well I met my crush but I know we can never be together, how can he be with me. I don’t how I feel anymore; I just don’t know anything anymore. Who was the brother I once knew?_

_I feel like a ghost in a world of paper dolls. I am the ghost in my own machine. I am a ghost running through time and space, looking, always looking in the blackness for a sacred spark. And this entire world becomes noise, a distraction from my task to find the one - the one who went alone into the dark. For should all he be is a fragment of fire, barely a cinder, it matters not, because I will become a river of gasoline._

_I thought you cared. I thought you loved me. Obviously I was wrong. Because you never would have taken a gun into school and kill 15 people and yourself. You see you had your own exit plan. But you left us in the world._

_I will write to you soon._

_From your brother – Magnus Bane_

Magnus put the pen down as he closed the journal and felt the black leather jacket. Kieran gave him the journal for his birthday; he thought he would never write in it.

Magnus sighed and walked out of his bedroom. He went into his father study, as his dad was reading.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore dad.” Magnus said as his dad looked at him, he sighed as he put the book down as he told Magnus to sit down.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Asmodeus questioned looking at his son,

“I heard that people who go through loss have emotional scars, and they still remember the times when they were happy but that pain in their heart is still there. I went to the school and when I saw another student that I know. I broke down but I ran home and I was scared of what he was going to say.” Magnus looked at the wooden floor boards of his dad’s study.

Asmodeus sighed,

“Others would have emotional scars, not you; you're still bleeding because your heart is so strong. The thing is, you just need a new bond and you'll be fine, you'll be as good as new, still independent and strong. Love is as the blood in our veins, it needs to flow. But Magnus talking helps that bleeding to heal and it keeps us strong.

Also what happened with that other student you saw, you didn’t know what he was going to say. You were scared and he might have seen you. He might have seen pain in your eyes. I know it has sat there for your life time, trapped in the confusion we all carry. I see love too, the love you would have given were it not for the scars. Magnus emotions are strong, we all make mistakes, but it’s not our burden to carry them all on our own.” Magnus looked at his father.

“I miss him dad” Magnus said as a tear fell down his cheek, Asmodeus hugged his son tightly, as he whispered.

“I miss him too son”

**A/N: Well how did you enjoy the father and son moment. Yeah Izzy and Jace might be a bitch but they will be better I promise you.**

**Who likes how I presented Asmodeus? Please comment**


	6. I scream and I fall down

**Chapter 6:** I scream and I fall down

**Alec P.O.V**

I ran down the street to find Izzy, I cut across the park as I halted. Izzy was on the park bench as I went up to her.

“Izzy!” I whispered as she looked up with her red shot eyes,

“What do you want Alec?” She said as I sat down next to her.

“I am sorry for what I said and I don’t blame you, I was just angry.” I sighed as Izzy rubbed the tears away from her eyes as she looked at me.

“There was a time in my life I expressed my feelings in a true way, but we can't go on like that, right?” Izzy sighed as she looked in the distant, I sighed as I let her carry on

“We can't keep bawling like babies and throwing tantrums like toddlers; we do need to get a grip on our own minds. But there is a balance, a point of virtue, that I went passed so long ago. Every negative emotion is buried before I can even feel it, making me passive and weak. Everyone loves me for my smile and twenty-four-seven happy character; meanwhile every other feeling is crammed into my chest. Alec a trigger was pulled, you can’t help to mourn and hate the person who took someone you loved away. Don’t you feel that?” She looked at me as I sighed; I saw two younger siblings playing on the swing as their mother watched them with a smile written on her face.

“Every time I wake up and go to bed, I see Max, I want to hold him again, and I wish that I could reverse time save him. I feel it in my whole body, the aching heart and I don’t want to carry on with life.” I sighed as I looked down feeling my sister hug me.

“But Alec what does sadness mean?”

I looked at her and rubbed my hands together,

“I would describe my sadness like death by a thousand paper cuts, for every time I remembered my loss it was another cut to me being already damaged. However, those cuts weren’t enough to kill me. I once was expressive and generous natured, now I was just gaunt and melancholy.” I sighed,

“But we are only human after all” Izzy sighed as we hugged.

“I forgive you big brother!” She whispered as I kissed her forehead,

“I forgive you too.” As we got up and walked home.

* * *

**Magnus Bane P.O.V**

_“GET UNDER THE TABELS NOW!” The teacher shouted as we got under, we switched the light of, as I prayed. The gunshots were sounded as if they could crack a skull; I closed my eyes, why couldn’t I come in five minutes later. The shots grew louder and louder and so did the blood shattering screams._

The light flicked on as I awoke sweating, I felt cold and sick. My dad rushed in with a cup in his hand as he gave it to me, I drank the cool liquid as I focused on my breathing.

“How can I do this dad? Every time I go to sleep or shut my eyes I can hear the gunshots and screams. I can’t stop it” I clutched my bed sheets as my dad held me soothing me.

* * *

**Asmodeus P.O.V (The next day)**

“So.... Where is Magnus?” Olivia said,

“He is asleep; he awoke in the middle of the night... But he is fine now” I sighed putting down the cup of coffee as I stared at the psychologist.

“What are you really doing here?” I looked at her,

“Just came to see how you are, Magnus has been having a therapist, while you sit at home when you are both suffering. Look I know you’re a father who lost a son and trying to keep this family together, but it’s not healthy to bottle these things up.” She put down her cup as I just shrugged.

I just wanted her to go, like everyone else, the media, and the people. I just can’t...

“You know what Olivia, if I wanted to get help I would have called a friend, asked for the warmth I needed to ward it off, just a little is enough. I just don’t feel that. Now I just let it come, drop by drop and I feel like it is an ocean falling upon me instead of rain - that the grief of years I carefully suspended has all condensed right above my head into a cloud large enough to block the sun.” I stood up as she grabbed her bag.

“Look I am sorry for what you are going through, but you need help, you know where I am if you need to talk. Please just talk to someone, if you want to help your son, just learn to help yourself first.” She said as I ushered her out of the house.

“I’ll think about it.” I closed the door as I went back to the kitchen, Magnus came in stretching.

“Who was that?” He looked at me,

“Just a friend. Now do you want toast?” I said as he nodded.

**A/N: How was that chapter? Comment on your views**


	7. Last Goodbyes

**Chapter 7: Last Goodbyes**

****

**_Set Wednesday 22 nd June 2016_ **

**Jace P.O.V**

I looked into the mirror as I wiped the tears from my eyes; Max was going to be first buried. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Max was too young.

“Are you ready?” Clary said from behind as I turned around and looked at her, she hugged me tightly.

“I cannot do this.” I looked at her, as she looked at me,

“We are all scared, Jace you lost your brother, everyone lost someone, and I know it is hard but Max would have wanted you to be there for him.” Clary said as I kissed her.

**Alec P.O.V**

We stood at the front of the funeral. Everyone's heads were down. Maybe it was them showing respect of maybe there were too afraid to look at what was coming. The coffin was pulled from the hearse by six strong men, all wearing suits. The silence dwelled as they entered the church. It wobbled as they carried it to the front and gently placed it down.  
  
The coffin was dark stained cherry and it was perfectly polished. It had a cushioned and silky lining. It seemed inviting. It was good to know that at least my little brother was resting in a comfortable place.  
  
I held my mum's shaky hand the whole time. She wiped tears onto her sleeve and rested on my shoulder. I kept it together until they passed a picture of him to everyone and that's when all the memories came flooding back like a tidal wave. His face seemed so alive and happy and I couldn't help but wonder what he looked like under that closed wooden box. I stared blankly at it hoping that a miracle would happen and he would rise again and come back to the world, come back to us. But nothing happened. He was gone.

**Asmodeus P.O.V**

I stood on the brink of something I couldn't describe. The weight of everything seemed to press down on my shoulders and I struggled to take even a single step forward. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, I kept moving. But every step cost me. The darkness grew darker; the pain grew sharper; all of it seemed to only grow in strength and I began to wonder if things could ever get better.

  
But I never said a word. Sometimes I wonder if that smile- the horribly fake smile- is ever seen through. If someone ever notices that sad, broken look in my eyes that I see in the mirror. If they see beauty where I see ugliness. And then I laugh, a bitter, sarcastic laugh, at myself. Nobody cares. No one notices. They never seem to, do they?  
I've fought for years. I just march on...

I looked from the distance as they put down the small wooden box into the earth, as I sighed. I left before anyone saw me and got into the car and drove home.

**Magnus P.O.V**

I ran through the alley as I bumped into someone,

“I am...” The person turned around, Raphael and Ragnor were standing there.

“I thought you vanished.” I looked down at the grey pavement,

“I am sorry...” Quickly Ragnor pushed me into an alley way as I felt the cold wall pressing into my skin.

“You are sorry. It is your fucking fault that Catarina died and my brother who is in a fucking coma. AND YOU’RE SORRY.” I flinched as he raised his fist and brought it down. Pain erupted from the point of impact. With my own two hands I grasped his head in my hands and brought my knee cap up to his nose. Ragnor held me as Raphael wiped the blood away from his nostrils.

“Just like your brother.” Ragnor whispered into my ears

He drew his fist back again and it ploughed into my stomach, it was like hitting a train head on. My guts smashed together. I fell to the floor trying to catch my breath; Ragnor picked me up as I tried to defend myself, Raphael grabbed my hand and twisted my wrist as I let out a scream. Ragnor laughed.

“This is what you get you bastard...” Raphael said as he pushed me to the floor as they both ran off.

I groaned in pain as I used the wall to stand up, the wind hit my body as I whimpered in pain. I slowly walked home.

**A/N: Poor Magnus!! Tell me what you think might happen next**


	8. Bullet Holes part 1

**Chapter 8: Bullet holes part 1**

Magnus groaned as he walked past the black gates of his house, he sighed as he opened the door quietly; he dragged his body up the marble stair care.

“Magnus?” he turned around to see his dad standing there,

“What happened?” The older male said,

“Nothing, I just fell.” Magnus sighed as his dad looked at him with concern in his eyes.

As Magnus reached his bedroom and slowly went to his bed, he reverently rubbed his fingers along the silken mattress. He pressed his cheek to the cool, velvet pillows. The comforter was thick and irresistibly soft, like a billowing cloud. He toppled into it, relieved to rest his weary and aching feet. Warmth and darkness enveloped him. As he felt tears roll down his cheeks. He slowly fell asleep.

**The next day Lightwood house**

Breakfast was quiet, the spoons hitting the plates, Jace munching on his toast, as no one made any noises of communication.

The silence was broke like a knife as Alec spoke up,

“Me and Isabelle...” He was about to carry on as Robert spoke up.

“Isabelle and I, son,” Robert said as Izzy shrugged.

“Well Isabelle and I are going out, we are going to pay our respects” Alec said as Robert raised his brow,

“I can’t come” Jace said as he got up and went upstairs.

“I thought you already went?” Robert looked at Alec,

“Yeah and now I am going with Izzy.” Alec said as Izzy piped in,

“Also we are going to the Bane’s house.” Isabelle said as Robert put his cup down, Alec looked at her in shock.

“The Bane’s, why?” Robert was glaring at Isabelle, as Mayrise sighed,

“To pay our respects.” Isabelle smiled as Alec coughed,

“You can’t go....” Robert stood up and so did Alec,

“You always hated the Banes, you hated Asmodeus and you hated his children. I didn’t understand why, and now this has happened you have a reason to.” Alec glared at Robert as the older man stood closer to his son,

“You don’t understand Alexander...” Robert glared down at his son, as Isabelle stood up,

“Alec’s right dad, you were just jealous, Asmodeus was more successful then you, his wife were a successful lawyer. But when she died, I bet that made you happy, and now you can have a reason to hate, because Kieran killed Max. But I tell you what. Asmodeus yeah they said that he abused his wife, he abused his sons, but we don’t know two shits about their family and what they have been through and what they are going through. So if you don’t mind me and Alec are going.” With that Isabelle grabbed Alec’s hand as they both walked out with Robert telling them to come back.

* * *

****

**_20 minutes later... at Silverton High_ **

The wind howled as Isabelle and Alec stood at the silver gates, Izzy sighed.

“I...” Izzy just huffed as Alec stood there taking it all in.

“Why did you say to father about going to the Banes?” Alexander questioned looking at his sister.

“I listened to what you said, I was thinking about Magnus last night and I was just thinking how he must be feeling. I just want to check if he is okay and if his dad is okay.” Alec smiled at Isabelle.

“So you listened to me?” Alec raised his brow as Izzy elbowed him in his side. They started to walk towards the Bane house.

“Anyway, did you know Kieran well?” Isabelle questioned as Alec shrugged.

“I didn’t know him that well; he used to hang out with Sebastian and then he used to hang out with another guy called Ross. I knew his brother...” Izzy looked at her brother as a smile appeared.

“You have a crush on Magnus?” Izzy said as Alec went red.

“No! That is absurd...” Alec stuttered as Izzy chuckled.

“Yeah. Yeah...” Isabelle sighed as they go to the gates of the house.

“You have a crush on Asmodeus.” Alec said quickly as he knocked on the door,

“No I don’t!” Isabelle looked at her brother as the door opened.

**A/N: How was that cute scene with Izzy and Alec. This whole fanfic won’t be that depressing and will only go into deep issues concerning mental health and remorse. Part 2 will be uploaded Next Tuesday/ Wednesday**


	9. Bullet Holes Part 2

**Chapter 9: Bullet holes part 2**

The door opened as Asmodeus looked down upon Alec and Isabelle.

“We are here to say our condolences, can we come in please?” Alec said as Asmodeus nodded letting them in.

**Isabelle P.O.V**

The white tiles disappeared as we entered the lounge.

“You have a nice home!” Alec said as I agreed,

“Thank you. Magnus is asleep.” Asmodeus sat down as we sat on the black leather couch.

“How are you?” I questioned as his eyes stared into mine,

“I’m good, how about you?” He looked at me and Alec,

“Good.” Alec smiled as he stood up,

“We should be going.” Alec said as Asmodeus showed us out. As a woman came in, she smiled at us.

**Magnus P.O.V**

Isabelle and Alec walked out as I watched from my bedroom window, Alec looked up as our eyes met, and he smiled as I sighed stepping back from the window as I left my bedroom.

I stood outside Kieran bedroom door; I took a deep breath as I opened the oak door. The light filled into the bedroom as I sat on the bed. _WHY DID YOU DO THIS?_ I thought as the thoughts are accelerating inside my head. I want them to slow down so I can breathe but they won't. My breaths come in gasps and I feel like I will black out. My heart is hammering inside my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spins and I squat on the bed, trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope with. I feel so sick. I want to call an ambulance but the phone is too far away, it's too far away, it's too far away. I don't know who to call; what's their number, who to call, too far away, he's gone. The door opened.

“It’s okay Magnus. It’s okay. Take deep breaths.” I heard the voice say as I felt my soul being dragged, as pictures of blood, dead children, and Kieran holding a gun. I screamed as my fist hit something. I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t. I heard voices.

My eyes shot open as my cheeks were wet; my dad hugged me as he rubbed my back. My heart rate slowly slowed down, as my dad kissed me. I noticed I was lying on my bed.

“I carried you, you were screaming and hitting...” My dad sighed as he left and went downstairs. I sighed as I slowly got up. Feeling dizzy. I heard dad was talking to someone. A female voice was heard.

“He needs help Asmodeus, he is in pain.” I listened carefully.

"Yeah, I know he's in pain. So much so obvious. But those old scars are best left alone unless you've got the time to stick by him, to heal him after you've opened them up. I know it seems kind to ask and enquire, but in this situation it isn't. Every one of those scars is some terrible pain, that's why we do our best to accept people as they are and be compassionate. He needs help and I know, but he needs....We need something...” I sighed as I walked upstairs.

_There were updates of what happened. They said you brought a gun and made homemade bombs._ I sighed as I sat on my bed.

* * *

**XXXX**

**Day after**

**Alec P.O.V**

I awoke as if it's an emergency, as if sleeping had become a dangerous thing. My heart beats fast and there is a buzzing in my brain and together they are as panic with jump-leads. Only now my brain is as a flat battery, the exertions of the night being a marathon of erratic problem-solving. And so this day will pass as if I am hung-over, not from drink, but from the nightmares that demand any solutions.

“Alexander, come downstairs. Breakfast is ready.” Mom shouted from downstairs as I groaned. I got out of bed, as I made my way downstairs. Izzy and Jace was sitting eating, as dad was buttering toast.

“Your dad and I were wondering if we moved you to another school. It will be a good new start.” Mother exclaimed as I scoffed. _New start._

“There is no point in moving schools. There will always be a danger. Moving schools will not bring Max or the fifteen other students back from the dead.” Isabelle stated as Robert sighed.

“The school are kicking Magnus out, he won’t be returning back...” I glared at my father,

“So what? Removing Magnus from the equation does not resolve anything.” I stated as my dad clenched his fist.

“Magnus does look like Kieran.” Jace whispered as I slapped him as he grabbed his head in pain.

“Don’t slap your brother.” Mom looked at me.

“You know what screw you. Screw all of you.” With that I pushed past my mom as I grabbed my coat and ran out of the house.

I ran through a maze of buildings and winding side streets as the sky rumbled, and heavy rain bounced off the cobblestones. A storm smothered the sun, greying the world around me. Drops of rain beats against my skin like hammers. I wasn’t at all fazed by it. My shoes were caked in mud and the storm had battered my black hair into a tangled mess. I turned the corner as I collided with someone. I stumbled back as I apologised. My breath was hitched as I saw Magnus standing there. He was wet from head to toe as I gave him my jacket but he refused.

_He looks kind of cute._ His shirt was sticking to his skin to reveal his ribs.

“I... I am sorry Magnus for your loss.” He looked at me, as he nodded.

“You too” he smiled at me as we stood there. Staring at each other.

“I am going home.” He said as I nodded as he walked past. I smiled to myself as I ran to a cafe.

“Alec what should I get for you?” Clary smiled at me, as I raised my brow.

“You work here?” I looked at her as she nodded.

“I started working here last week.” She informed.

“I’ll just order a Cappuccino.” I sat down as she filled the cup with brown warm liquid as the strong smell of coffee floated into the air.

She sat down.

“For someone who is soaked you look so happy.” I laughed as she raised her brow.

“I met Ma... I met a guy.” I didn’t want to say his name in case someone was listening. Clary smiled.

“Was this guy handsome?” Clary smiled as I blushed and nodded.

“He was handsome from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice. I loved the way his voice quickened when he sparkled with a new idea, or was so enjoying one of mine that he lost himself for a moment and quite forgot the mask he wore for others. But I didn’t give him my heart and I should have kept him safe.” I looked down at the coffee. _I should have protected him. Comforted him._

“Well maybe you should show him that you care. Because what you just told me that you do care for him.” Clary sighed as she got up and went to the till as a queue of people were lining up. I sighed as I cussed.

**A/N: How was that chapter? Please tell me what you think.**


	10. Hopes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alec has been diagnosed with psychosis when he was about 10 – 11 years old. He will have a short psychotic break down where he thinks a monster is attacking him.
> 
> This chapter will also cover insomnia and self harm. Also I won’t show who has been self harming but I would like to leave that for you.

**Chapter 10: Hopes**

**The day after**

Magnus sat on his bed as he looked at the letter which was folded neatly. Magnus sighed as he opened the paper as he read the first line.

_Dear Magnus and Father,_

_If you are reading this letter then you know what I did and I don’t want to rush it or take long on this letter but I know that you need to read this because you might want answers. Well you see life isn’t fair. ~~Life will never be fair.~~_

_This is a letter to you who I know would be hurting and no one else would understand. Magnus if you are reading this please please look out for dad, he needs you more then you know. Also father, look after him, you weren’t there when we were younger, but you need to be here with your youngest now._

  
_When the heart is in ice, when the soul searches over wasteland with no features to hold, know that there is love in the world for you. When there is only cold darkness and the space around your skin feels like a void, know life gets better. When the walls are too thick to breach, stay strong, perhaps those walls are there to protect you. There is beauty for you ahead, just know there is. There are times in this life we live only a day at time that we ride the river with no oars, taking what comes and doing our best. But there will come a time when you will find a safe person to trust and everything will go right, and maybe you'll be their safe person too. No matter your age, you need love every bit as much as food, water and air. Love is our birthright, an intrinsic part of our soul and what it means to be human. So for my part I'm sending you love right now, I hope you feel it. I pour it into my writing in the hope that it helps. We all need to feel connection. We all need to know we are worthy of love and I promise you that you are._

_I love you Magnus and dad. I always have and I have never hated you, so don’t blame yourself. I don’t want fame well I doubt that the media will mention my name or that I go down in history. I never cared for that. I was suffering on my own and I am a coward for not opening up and helping myself._

_Yours sincerely._

_Kieran. B_

_9/6/2016_

**Magnus P.O.V**

I looked down at the letter as tears rolled slowly down my cheeks. _Why did this happen? Why didn’t he talk to me?_ I slid the note under my pillow. I lay down on my bed, as pictures of my brother lit my mind. When he was smiling and we played Call of Duty or when I cheated in monopoly. My eyes were teary as I shut my eyes as I let sleep take me in.

* * *

**Alec P.O.V**

I turned my head bracing to see someone holding the jacket in their arms. My body jumped out of the bed as if it had been shocked, and my back landed against the wall in a loud thud. The tall, black, crouching creature hissed at me. Its loud screams were worse than the victims of here, the asylum. The loud screeching coming from the creature's mouth was nails on a chalkboard.

He walked around the bed towards me and I could see dark crimson stripes from its spine to its rib cage. Its eyes were white as ghosts but they seemed as dark as the midnight sky. By then I was screaming and crying uncontrollably.

The demonic creature slowly reached out and gripped my arm something had happened, a flash of the past. But in this case, the present. As I came to my senses I realized that it was my Mother.

“Honey focus on your breathing.” My mom said as I slowed my breathing down, she gave me a tablet and water as I wolfed down the water with the tablet as I closed my eyes.

“Mom please don’t go away.” I whispered as I felt her kiss me.

“I am not going away honey.” She whispered.

**_2 ½ years ago before the shooting. Kieran P.O.V_ **

****

The room is dark. The curtains are drawn in a vain attempt to filter the orange glow of the streetlights illuminating the street outside. I glance at the digital clock at the side of my bed, the numbers 0225 glowing in a bright green. I sigh wearily. Unable to sleep, I sit upright on my bed, my legs outstretched and covered with my warm duvet. Nights like these are usually quiet, but it isn’t today, because the pitter-patter of rain lingers in the background, like the heartbeat of a mother that cocoons the foetus in her womb.

It brings an odd sense of protection and safety along with it. It makes me feel somewhat less alone. Sometimes the rain goes pit-a-pat against the glass of my windows, often sounding like the gentle tapping of someone against it. Intrigued, I push a little bit of the heavy curtains and peek outside.

Droplets of water streak down the window panes as it rain on. Odd, fluid shapes spiked at even odder angles that leave trails whenever they move downwards definitely are captivating sights for an insomniac at this time of the day. Through the rain I can make out the street outside.

Everything is the same, only greyer and blurred with softer edges. Puddles of rain form in the potholes of the street, temporary homes for little creatures outside.

**Back to the present day...**

The old scars covered his arm and inner thighs as he sat in his bedroom, holding the blade in his hand, he wanted to die, he wanted to curl up on the floor and just bleed to death. He held tightly onto the blade as he cut. Fresh red blood ran down his arm. _I am sorry._ He grabbed a tissue and placed it on top of the freshly cut scars as the bleeding stopped.

He heard movement downstairs as he quickly washed the blade and placing the blade back where it belonged. He sighed as he closed the bathroom door and walked into his bedroom.

**A/N: This chapter was so hard to write. I know the last bit I didn’t put any names but like I said before I want you to guess who is self harming**


	11. When the rain comes

**Chapter 11: When the rain comes**

The light came on, filling the room with an annoying yellow glow.

“Wake up Alexander.” Maryse said as Alec groaned as he quickly grabbed his covers and placed it above his head trying to block out the light.

“I don’t wanna wake up.” He grumbled as he heard Jace get up.

Alec slowly uncovered his eyes from underneath the covers; the gentle tapping of raindrops could be heard against his bedroom window. These were his favourite kind of days were he didn't have to feel bad about not leaving the house. Alec slowly gets up and rubbed his knuckles trying to get rid of the sleep in his eyes.

He looked at the calendar he sighed, it has been nearly a month since the shooting, since Max died.

“Are you going to stand there and mope all day?” Isabelle said standing beside Alec’s door; Alec sighed as he sat down and took out his phone to see a new text.

**_Magnus:_ I would like to go to a cafe and chat xxx** ** (Today: 00:22am) **

**Alec: That would be great!! How about 4pm how about the OK Astonia cafe in queens? (Seen: ** Sent today at 7:42am)

**Magnus: OK. See you there. (Seen: Sent today at 7:44am)**

Alec quickly slid his phone in his pocket as Isabelle looked at him.

“Who were you texting?” She said as Alec smiled at her.

“The joke shop. They said they wanted you back.” Alec said as he ran off as Isabelle growled as Jace snickered.

Isabelle glared at Jace as she pushed past him and went downstairs.

**Asmodeus P.O.V**

The coldness of the slate tile and its dampness seeped through my thin polyester trousers with knees pulled tight to my rib cage I shivered in the early morning chill. In this poor light the roof-tops spread in every direction like great grey serpents with rectangular scales. Only the red brick chimneys ruined the illusion, but in this light they were just as monochromatic as everything else, the slate, the swirling smog, the streets that were never deserted, and the unfriendly sky with its dense cloud robbing him of the sunrise. From here I could see what a maze this borough was, every house three stories and each joined to the next. The streets curved as if laid down on a whim a few centuries ago before anyone had conceived of a grid pattern idea. The silent morning was calming.

The moment was interrupted as my son plodded himself down next to me!

**Magnus P.O.V**

“What are you looking at?” I said as my dad looked at me,

“I just wanted a peace and alone time.” He looked at me as I nodded.

“That’s cool! Same though, you know if you stand up you could see Silverton Lake” I said as he looked at me.

“You know your mother wanted to come to New York. I wanted to take her but you know...” He sighed as I rested my head against his broad shoulder.

“I bet you both of them are happy now that they are together.” I sighed as I felt his arm snake around me and pulled me in.

“You know there was a young boy, he used to play in the cold everyday at 6 in the morning. Just to see the sunrise. He wanted to share this with his family so one day he did an art picture, but his father was so angry he ripped it up and told him to grow up. Now every day the same boy would picture himself with another family.” I looked at my dad as he sighed and got up.

“Anyway. Mags there is a job offer in Queens, so I will be going there, I want you to behave, and I probably be back by 6!” He said as he left me with my own thoughts.

* * *

**XXX**

**OK Astonia Cafe Queens 3:55pm**

**Magnus P.O.V**

I pulled my jacket closer as I entered the cafe; I sat down at the back of the cafe as a waiter came towards me. _What if he recognises me?_ My heart pounded fast and hard.

“What do you want to order?” He said as I began to stutter.

“Two cappuccinos, one chocolate chip muffin and one blueberry muffin.” I said as I added a smile, the waiter scribbled down on a white piece of paper and went away.

The door opened again as I saw Alec look around, I smiled at him as he smiled back. He came over as he sat down.

“I ordered.” I simply said as he nodded.

The awkwardness grew as I felt the hairs at the back of my neck stand up. 

“I am sorry for you loss.” Alec said as I looked at him, _why would he be sorry? My brother killed his brother? I..._

“Sorry for your loss too!” I sighed as I played with the napkin in front of me. The food came as I paid.

“I am sorry for what happened.” I said as his hand touched mine, I felt a warm sensation feeling. Alec smiled at me.

“You know its okay to grief.” Alec looked at me as I couldn’t look into his eyes.

“I.... No one has ever said that to me. I... My brother.... I don’t....” The words I wanted to form and say didn’t come out.

“You mean you never imagined your brother to do this.” Alec replied as if he was reading my mind. I nodded.

“You have known your brother, you know him more than the media and society. I am sorry it’s just I’m not good with advice.” Alec said as he looked down.

“Oh you are good.” I said as he smiled at me.

“I should be going.” I said as I stood up and drank the last of my coffee, Alec nodded and smiled at me.

“Remember, your brother doesn’t define you and your family. Also Magnus I forgive you!” He looked at me with his ocean blue eyes as I nodded.

_If only he knew. If only he knew that my mom side and my dad didn’t like each other. If only he knew my dad’s own brothers don’t talk to us anymore. If only he knew._ I sighed as I raced towards home.

**A/N: How did you enjoy that chapter. Please comment on what you think. Also thanks for the kudus**


	12. Why?

**Chapter 12: Why?**

**Magnus P.O.V**

_Dear Mr. Bane_

_I am writing today with my sincere apology that Magnus Bane won’t be attending Silverton High, as this is best for staff and students who attend the school. We have already placed him in another school Knightbridge Academy._

_I am sorry for any inconvenience._

_Yours sincerely,_

_T.Henson_

_Thomas Henson (Head teacher of Silverton High)_

I looked at the letter as my dad sighed, Knighbridge was across town. I sighed as I went up stairs. If they think that getting rid of me would help the school to get over what happened. They are wrong.

I felt the burning rage hissed through my body like deathly poison, screeching a demanded release in the form of unwanted violence. It was like a volcano erupting; fury sweeping off me like ferocious waves. The wrath consumed like, engulfing my moralities and destroying the boundaries of loyalty. I raised my fist as I smashed it against my bedroom wall. I hit the wall again until my knuckles were bruised.

_Now you make think I slightly overreacted. Well you are correct. I knew I would never be allowed to go back. But how dare they think that this will go._ I sighed as I sat down on my bed.

The black journal in front of me, as I sighed.

August 1st 2016

_Dear Kieran,_

_I know it’s been a long time since I wrote in this journal, well the past few weeks has been hectic. My crush has forgiven me, but how can I forgive myself and how can I move on with only the media feeding the people. You suffered from insomnia. They said you were bullied. They said you had one friend._

_So guess what. Today I am going to your only friend’s house to get some answers. I read your letter, well I didn’t show dad and I am sorry, but ~~my~~ I mean our dad well. I don’t know really. Father is bottling everything in, he won’t talk about his feelings. _

_I am going to a new school for a few weeks, well I know that some students at Silverton are being home schooled and I know half of them have enrolled into New York High for a few months. I thought you would like to know. Your crush Marissa Davidson is out of a coma but she is paralysed. I heard that the history teacher has died today, due to some technicalities._

_I just want to wake up from this nightmare that YOU created. I am not angry at you. I just.... yeah well I’ll write to you soon._

_Your brother – Magnus Bane_

I closed the journal as I slammed my head against the table.

**Jace P.O.V**

The moss-laden marble pillars stood as despairing guards on either side of the cemetery threshold. Behind the ancient wrought-iron gates were rows upon rows of crumbling gravestones, their engraved epitaphs bathed in light spilt from an ashen moon. Gnarled trees hunched over most of the expanse, plunging the rest in shadow. The place echoed with painful grief and the emptiness of heartfelt loss.

I let my feet tread lightly over the soils that support new spring growth, white-bells and green wands of grass, until I am there, my eyes resting on his name, my heart hearing the sound of his voice as if he were right there with me. Perhaps it is the memories that are the real bridge, that sense of love a key to open doors into the worlds beyond, yet here I am in the graveyard, these moments of reflection our everlasting bond. I sighed as I placed my flowers beside his tombstone.

_Here lies_

_Max Joseph Lightwood_

_29/8/08 – 16/6/16_

_A loving son, brother, friend._

_You will be missed._

I traced the letters as I got up; I slowly walked past the iron gates as I wiped a tear from my eyes.

**Asmodeus P.O.V**

“They would say I was insane and loopy but that’s not nice, sometimes I feel like I want to slap and rip someone’s head off and the next I just...” My patient looked at me as I noticed his fingernails were short and had small vertical cuts on his fingers. I sighed as I asked a few questions and prescribed the same medication. The session was over but my work wasn’t.

The staff room had a strong smell of coffee and fresh bakery. I sighed as I sat down.

“Oh, the boss wants to speak to you?” A red haired woman said as she smiled, I sighed as I went to inside the office.

“Look, I know you are very good at your job, I have seen your reference but I think you should have a break you know go out and sort yourself out. Asa you can come back, I will even pay you on a sick leave.” He looked at me as I sighed.

“You mean I get help.” I looked right at him, as I clenched and unclenched my fist.

“Well you see you Scarlett she was saying that you could talk to her.” He said as Scarlett who was wearing a black long dress. She came in as my boss walked out.

“Ok so what is mental illness to you and how do you feel after the loss of your son?” She said as I looked at her, finding the right words to say.

“Mental illness, being crazy, loopy, insane, sounds amusing from the outside, not so much from the inside. Imagine the worst nightmare you’ve ever had, take a moment to recall it. Then imagine you were unable to wake up from it because you are already awake. All those bizarre ideas that make so much sense when you’re asleep start to make sense with your eyes wide open. I know you want to know if that’s what happened to me, but I’m not going to tell you too much more right now. Please don’t be offended, I don’t know you very well yet. Later on, sure!” I said sarcastically she was about to speak as I spoke up to shut her up. I know what to say.  
  
“Maybe there’s some aspect of it that worries you? You look almost sickly. Oh, I get it. You think I might drive you crazy, that me trying to “wake you up” means you have to go mad first? Hmm. Well, I won’t lie to you, that is what it means for some people, but that’s only if they aren’t with me. I can “wake you up” without the need for psychosis. Anyway, once you have some kind of “nervous breakdown” your brain is weakened, you don’t want that, trust me. Plus you could go off on almost any tangent at all. It can ruin your life for years and sometimes you don’t really recover. You can lose people close to you, people you love. I don’t recommend it, not for anyone and least of all you, you’re so nice! I think you're adorable! But we need some ground rules; I need to know when you’re coming for a start...” I smiled at her as I stood up.

“Asmodeus this isn’t about me. And I know what you’re doing.” She looked at me as I headed towards the door.

“If you know what I am doing then maybe you will get it into your skull that I don’t need help!” I glared at her.

“You know if you don’t receive help then you could be sacked” That stopped me, I could feel her grinning. I gritted my teeth.

“Fine! Meet me next Wednesday at 4pm. If you are going to help me then well good luck to you!” I said as I closed the door behind me and got into my car and started the engine.

**A/N: I always imagined Asmodeus being rude or sassy when he is pissed.**

**How did you like Jace??**

**Next chapter will be Magnus going to a new school and a sneak look into what is happening to Izzy:**

**_She turned around and glanced into her wall-length mirror, something she hadn't done in a very long time. She started at her feet, averting her eyes from her own face. Her feet were bony and thin, like the rest of her body. She let her gaze rise up and she took in her whole body, wincing at the emaciated figure that stared back at her. What had she let herself become?_ **


	13. Bitter aftertaste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry but this chapter is short and I will publish the next two chapters on Tuesday or Wednesday due to me being busy with college work. .

**Chapter 13: Bitter Aftertaste**

**_2/08/2016_ **

**_20 days since the shooting..._ **

**Isabelle P.O.V**

The morning sun shone through my bedroom, as I sighed. Kids were enjoying the holidays and parents taking a long break from work! But me, part of the city are still mourning. _How can it be sunny on a day like this?_ I sighed in frustration as everything and everyone shows me that all will be okay, but I'm anxious. It comes as an electrical storm in my brain that, quite honestly, is painful. It's different from a headache and it feels the same as intense sorrow, perhaps as a sort of frozen panic with nowhere to go. So though I appear calm, my sad eyes are saying far more than "Help me," they are saying that my soul is in such unbearable pain and all for the lack of real love. I turned around and glanced into my wall-length mirror, something I hadn't done in a very long time. I started at my feet. My feet were bony and thin, like the rest of the body. I took in the whole body, wincing at the emaciated figure that stared back. What had I let myself become?

I could hear my stomach rumble as I sighed. I didn’t want to eat but if I eat then I will stuff my face. I looked at my bedroom door as Jace came in.

“Are you going to come down and eat?” He looked at me as he handed an apple. He smiled as he left me. I slowly bit into the apple.

**Alec P.O.V**

He had tousled light blond hair, which was thick and lustrous. His eyes were a mesmerising deep ocean blue, flecks of silvery light performed ballets throughout. His face was strong and defined, his features moulded from a mould of sexiness. He had dark eyebrows, which sloped downwards in a serious expression. His usually playful smile had drawn into a hard line across his face. _Stop Alec! I like Magnus._ I noticed his strong hands, slightly rough from working. I couldn't help but blush. His voice was deep, with a serious tone.

“GET THE HELL OUT!” Sebastian screamed as he put his top on, I quickly apologised as I closed the door. I felt myself go bright red as Clary came running out of the room.

“What’s the matter? Why is Seb screaming?” She looked at me as I gave her a quick smile and ran out of the door, ran down the street as I opened my front door as I passed my mom and into my bedroom.

**Asmodeus P.O.V**

I have always been a giver, warm and loving. Even as a child I never cried, seeking to make others happy. Often people sought me in times of trouble and I gave all I had - my whole heart and showered love upon them. By age nine adults leant on me, told me of their woes and I was their spark of light. Yet when my time to suffer came, when my world was a hurricane of ice, every light but one switched off.

All but one offered a skinny love, shallow and brief, before finding a reason to excuse their flight. But maybe that's the way it had to be, one light to follow, no choice but to walk toward love and truth. Perhaps the road toward heaven feels like hell. Because I can tell you I never felt more empty in mind, body or soul, never so bereft of any comfort. I have never felt so worthless or disposable, never so wretched and cold. For hours I would have no emotion, only an urge to move fast; then all at once I'd be on the floor, shaking with a grief that bled from my bones. Days became weeks and months, and in every single moment of every single day my soul asked God why I must still live. He said, "Because I love you, son, and you will do great things. So live, breathe, walk." Moments of emptiness still come like an ambush, yet in company of a true friend a real smile can return, a real laugh, real warmth. I can't give much yet, I'm still too empty, but at least now I know who to give it to. I know who is safe.

Why cant men show emotions? Oh right because they have to be strong and show support. I sighed as I looked at the time. _Society is so fucked up!_

**A/N: Emotional distress can cause negative and sometimes positive impacts on out body. Please**

**talk to someone that you know**


	14. Meeting

**Chapter 14: Meeting**

**_A/N: I have left a anonymous P.O.V so you can guess who._ **

**_22 days since the shooting_ **

****

**Magnus P.O.V**

I walked up the cobbled path as I looked around to see no one looking. I sighed as I threw the pebble against the window, hoping Ross would come out. The balcony grew from the walls of the house as generous arms from a host, or perhaps those of a mother to cradle her infant child. The metal had a patina of ocean greens and blues, or perhaps it was more the hues of a mossy forest floor in softened early light, yet either way it was beautiful.

The moment was interrupted as Ross opened the window as he glared at me,

“Hi I’m Kieran’s younger brother I just...” He rudely interrupted,

“Look I don’t want to talk...” He was about to go back inside,

“Ross just give me five minutes!” I pleaded as he rolled his eyes,

“You and Kieran were friends but you broke up. Why?” I looked at him as he shrugged.

“Kieran was angry at me for not standing up for him, you see I was scared and...” Ross sighed as I saw a couple walking down as I quickly hid my face.

“You were his only friend! You didn’t even come to his funeral!” I sighed as I turned around and walked down until Ross shouted.

“Look Magnus! Kieran didn’t talk about killing anybody to me, we just played video games and the last time I saw him was when he walked past my fucking class room!” I felt tears prick my eyes as the wind picked up.

“YOU’RE lucky that he didn’t come into the classroom.” With that I ran down the street.

**Simon P.O.V.**

Alec’s journals were spread out as I read each page as the guilt rises in my mind.

_Dear Diary,_

_April 23 rd 2015_

_It’s been 2 weeks since I last cut myself._

_Dear Diary_

_May 2 nd 2015_

_My mom and dad were arguing about me again! Why can’t they just leave me alone, I accidently scratched myself and made myself bleed._

_Dear Diary_

_July 5 th 2016_

_He keeps telling me to end my life. I won’t listen to him but it’s hard to block him out, he... I DONT KNOW_

Simon was interrupted as he heard someone come up the stairs quickly; he shoved the journals under Alec’s bed and ran out.

I bumped into Isabelle, as I looked at her,

“Simon! What were you doing in Alec’s bedroom.” I looked at her, _I need to tell her._ I sighed as I pulled her into Alec’s bedroom.

“Alec has problems like he...” I sighed as I gave her one of his journals.

**Alec P.O.V**

“Magnus.” I called out as he turned around to look at me, he was breathing heavy.

“Are you okay?” I looked at him as I walked over, I hugged him as I pulled him closer, I felt him cry as I kissed his forehead.

“I’m sorry...” He wiped the tears from his face as he stepped back.

“Don’t be sorry Magnus. Are you sure your fine?” I sighed as I touched his hand as he quickly pulled his hand close to his body.

“I’m fine Alexander.” He said as he smiled at me and turned around and ran...

**Isabelle P.O.V**

_Alec was hurting all this time! I..._ The front door opened as Alec came in, I grabbed him quickly by the arm as I sat him down.

“What’s going on Izzy?” He looked at me as I sighed and sat down,

“I know Alec... I know that your suffering.” I looked at him as he just laughed.

“I... read your journal.” I stood up as mom came in.

“Mom Isabelle read my journals.” He stood up as my mom looked at me as she opened her mouth.

“You always told me if anything happens or if I am feeling low I talk to you and now you don’t talk to me.” I glared as my mom sighed.

“Alec is taking anti psychotic tablets.” My mom said as Alec pushed past me and ran upstairs. I sighed as my mom gave me a weak smile.

“Just leave him be.” My mom said as she left.

**Alec P.O.V**

I felt the blood drain from my face, before I was even aware of making a conscious decision my I pounded the fist into the wall. _How dare she!_ I wanted to scream as the door opened as Isabelle stood by the door.

“What do you want?” I glared at her as I wiped the tear, _why can’t she leave us alone._ The male voice said as I blocked him out.

“I hurt you and I'm so sorry. I pull with one hand - push away with the other. I know I'm doing it but I don't stop. I love you and I'm scared to. When I love it's too strong, like God turned my emotion dials up way too far and no-one really likes it. They see the way I am and don't understand, or perhaps are sceptical, as if it must be fake or a manipulation of sorts. I can't turn my emotions down, can't temper them the way others don't appear to have to - but I can give mixed messages to disguise my love. If you really want to know me, I can do it without hurting you. I just need a little time to adjust to someone who doesn't need the emotional dampeners on.” Isabelle sighed as she left the room. I sighed as I took out a phone and texted Magnus.

**Alec: Do you want to go to Blu Cafe for a chat? (Seen)**

**Magnus: I would like to, I am at the park atm so I am going to leave now and get there in 15 mins. :D (Seen)**

**Alec: Thats great!!** **J Okay so I am gonna leave now and get there at half past. See you (Seen)**

I felt happiness rise as I ran out of the house and to the cafe Blu.

* * *

**45 minutes later...**

**Anonymous P.O.V**

_I am sorry, but I can’t cope with life anymore. I know you will be strong without me. You are better off on your own. This was never your fault. I am so sorry_

I read the text again as I pressed sent, I put my phone down and headed to the bathtub as I took the two tablets of cyclobenzaprine as I got into the bath and lay down as the water slowly started to fill up.

**A/N:**

**Who do you think the mysterious person and can they be saved. Hopefully Malec will start to fall in love as Alec still has feelings for Sebastian.**


	15. Between life and death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mention of attempted suicide

**Chapter 15: Between life and death**

**Magnus P.O.V**

I sat in the tiny café huddled among the huge city buildings. Washed out under the overcast sky, it hunched in itself, fighting against the drizzle. Hundreds of people rushed by it, outside on the crowded street. The half a dozen customers glanced up as the door swung open, heralded by a blast of cold wind. Unlike the outside, the interior of the café was warm and cheery, with bright lights and colourful walls. The customers returned to their conversations as the door swung closed behind the new entrant and the cold breeze was forgotten. I sighed of relief as Alec came in, he smiled at me as I felt myself go warm inside.

He sat down, as I waved the waiter to order two cups of coffee. The waiter came back with two steaming coffees as she smiled at Alec as I sighed, _I felt people watching, looking, and judging me. Like they want me to act out like my brother did._ My thoughts were interrupted as I felt a cold hand touch mine. I slightly jumped as Alec apologised.

“So, how are you?” I looked at Alec, _I am hurt, I am scared, and I’m broken, what can you do to fix me?_

“I’m good” I smiled at him as Alec rubbed my hand,

“So you’re starting a new school?” Alec looked at me, as I nodded.

“Knightbridge Academy, it’s like on the other side of town, so yeah, about you?” I don’t know why, but I felt easier to open to Alec, he never judged me, he just listened as I ranted about this stupid city and my brother.

My phone beeped as I took it out, the text message from dad;

**Dad: _I am sorry, but I can’t cope with life anymore. I know you will be strong without me. You are better off on your own. This was never your fault. I am so sorry xx_**

****

I looked at Alec, as I got up, _he’s done something stupid, he hasn’t..._ thoughts raged in my mind as I ran out of the cafe as Alec grabbed me,

“Magnus what’s happening?” I looked at him, as I dialled 911,

“Say to them come to my address and that someone has attempted suicide!” I ran as I heard Alec running behind me, I dodged the cars as I ran down the street as I stopped outside my house.

I opened the door and ran upstairs, I went to my dad’s bedroom, _and he wasn’t there?_

“MAGNUS!” Alec shouted out as I ran to the bathroom, my dad was unconscious as Alec was doing CPR, I felt numb as I tried not to vomit.

**Alec P.O.V**

1.2.3 I counted as I pumped his chest, I felt sweaty, as I placed my finger on his neck, _come on._ I whispered as I felt a pulse, a slow, faint pulse, I sighed as I looked at Magnus, he was holding a tablet packaging in his hand as I got some towels and wrapped Asmodeus’s body, to keep him warm.

I hugged Magnus hard as the paramedics came in, I held Magnus as we watched the paramedics take him to the ambulance.

“I’m coming. I mean we are coming.” Magnus said as he looked at me as he gave me a weak smile as we got into the back of the ambulance.

“Why did you want me to come?” I questioned as I looked at Magnus, he smiled as he held my hand tightly.

“You saved him so I think you deserve it, also to keep my company.” He said as his attention went back to his dad.

**A/N: How did you enjoy this fanfic? Comment on what you think what Alec did. Or did you think that Asmodeus was selfish?**


	16. Aftermath

**Chapter 16: Aftermath**

**A/N: It’s been a 3 days since the suicide attempt**

**26 days since the shooting**

**Magnus P.O.V**

Alec and I walked past the hospital cafe as the smell of strong coffee wafted in the air; we both looked at each other as we finally reach the door, brown and dull like all the others. A nurse was beside his hospital bed, taking down notes and smiled at us as she left. I sat myself next to dad and stared dejectedly up at the ceiling.

“He hasn’t woken up!” I groaned as my attention went to my dad as I saw his chest slightly rising and then falling. I felt Alec’s soft hand touch my shoulder as I looked at him.

“He will be fine, anyway your dad is strong he will pull out of it.” He said as there was a knock on the door, I looked as a short grey haired man came in.

“Hi, you must be Magnus; I’m your dad’s boss. How is he?” He looked at me as the word ‘fine’ left my mouth.

“I am fine as well, thanks for asking.” Alec muttered as the guy looked at him, and then he returned his attention to my dad.

“Look, I know it will be hard for you, but I think it’s best if we let your dad go.” He looked at me,

“You’re firing him! For what?” I stood up and faced him as he sighed,

“I am not firing him, I think it’s best if he is on sick leave and take a year or two to sort himself out.” He looked at me and at Alec, as he left the room.

 _How dare he! He didn’t even ask when his dad was going to wake up. That bastard._ I thought as Alec clenched my hand.

**_2 hours later..._ **

The nurse was in the room again, as she scribbled down, I sighed as Alec left to go home. I sighed as my attention returned to my dad. _A flex_. I told the nurse as dad slowly opened his eyes, a relief came over me as I wanted to run a mile, the doctor looked at me, as they left the room, leaving me with my dad.

“Magnus.” My dad groaned out as I held his hand,

“ You were out for 3 days, I thought, when I saw you...” I closed my eyes as my dad squeezed my hand, as images of my mom hanging in the bedroom filled my mind. _Breath. I_ told myself,

“I’m sorry, look I just...” My dad was about to go on,

“I forgive you dad! Now get some rest.” I kissed him on the forehead as I sat down.

**No one P.O.V**  
Isabelle boiled the kettle for the fifth time that morning, already filled to the brim with tea and wired with caffeine, she busied herself getting the cups and teabags ready. Another quick glance at the luminous digital clock of the oven only seemed to confirm that time was slowing down, her stomach knotted up. She clenches her fists tightly, until her nails dig into the palm of her hand, but she barely notices. The only thing she is really aware of, is the sound of her heart throbbing against the cage of her chest. Her mother came in as she looked up; tears filled her dark eyes as her mom hugged her. Isabelle started to cry as her mother soothed her.

**Ragnor P.O.V**

The gravestone was white and new, as I reached out to touch the marble and run my finger over the black engraved lettering.

_HERE LAYS CATARINA LOSS, A BELOVED DAUGHTER, FRIEND, GONE TO SOON_

_28/5/1999 – 14/6/2016_

I sighed as I felt peace as the touch of the stone gave me. I sighed as I sat down on the damp grass as memories flooded back to the day.

_The bell rang as Alec and Catarina headed towards their class, Magnus laughed as Raphael was showing him some images on the phone, I sighed as the bell rang,_

_“Okay see you at lunch then...” Magnus said as Raphael was looking at LOTR memes as I laughed, the sun shone brightly into the class as the teacher wasn’t there._

_“You know if you stare at the screen your eyes turn into squares.” I looked at him as he nodded, screaming was heard followed by a gunshot, there was no teacher, the teacher had a key, we moved the table in front of the door as we switched the light off._

_Gunshot after gunshot. Each one rips into something, I heard screaming as a explosion went of the building as we looked at each other. We heard slow footsteps coming as we saw the gun first, the hooded person faced us, his eyes met mine, as I closed my eyes expecting the bullet rip my skin but nothing came, I opened my eyes as he was gone, more gun shots erupted. The first person shot was a young boy that shouldn’t have been there, he came in with his mom._

I sighed as I came back to the present; I placed the flowers on her tombstones as I stood up and left.

**A/N: How did you enjoy that, the next chapter I will skip when Magnus goes to a new school**


	17. Anniversary

**Chapter 17: Anniversary**

**A/N: It’s been a month since the shooting and Asmodeus is at home, this chapter will look at all of the main characters and their feelings and mental health.**

**Alec P.O.V**

The morning there is more joy in the part of me that peeks through the windows of my eyes. In the morning there is more love awaiting a chance to jump into the air in that silent crackle we sense with our soul. In the morning there is more deep sweetness that resonates within and finds a way to express this energy that is me. But not this morning, or any other mornings after the incident. _It’s already been a month!_ I opened the door as Jace stood there.

“Um... Hi.” He looked at me as I raised my brow, Jace shrugged as Clary gave me a small smile as I smiled back.

“Jeff the killer is sexy!” I heard Simon shout as Isabelle just chuckled as dad looked at me. He smiled at me but I shoved past him and went downstairs.

**Asmodeus P.O.V**

I looked down to see Magnus sleeping peacefully beside me, I sighed as I looked down at the scars on my arm. What the hell was I doing? Um… it’s just that, I used to be happy. Um, yeah, past tense. Sucks, I know. But, they did tell me that I wouldn’t be soon or I’d forget the feeling or whatever, so what I did was I wrote it down. I said it felt like, like light, sunshine. I didn’t really write anything more; I guess I couldn’t really be bothered because it seemed scary, but mostly it seemed ridiculous that this would happen. So, so now I just have this paper, this stupid scrap of paper that just says sunshine on it. And what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Feel happy? I –I don’t. It… it just sucks.

My thoughts were interrupted as I felt a sudden sharp pain as Magnus kicked me, _god boy, stop kicking in your sleep._

“Wake up Magnus!” I whispered.

“No Alec!” He mumbled as I tried not to laugh, I sighed as he kicked me again; I sighed as I moved my mouth to his ear and shouted for him to wake up. Suddenly, Magnus jerked up as he groaned,

“DAD!” He growled as he stormed out of my bedroom and slamming the door.

**Raphael P.O.V**

There is a silence to my soul; I am fall leaves under frost. I feel the chill in my blood, coldness bringing the synapses of my brain to a standstill. Part of it is a pain, yet one I can endure, one I can sleep through night after night without the anaesthesia of false hope. This is my winter; I wait for spring and the chattering of the birds.

**Back at the Lightwoods...**

Jace was playing with his bacon as Izzy was talking to Cary about some fashion tips which made Alec who was in the middle, sit up and go and sat by Jace.

“So Simon, who is Jeff the killer?” Alec said looking at Simon as Clary rolled her eyes.

“I thought you never asked! Well basically Jeff the killer is a creepy pasta...” Simon was interrupted by Alec,

“How can pasta be creepy?” Alec raised his brow as Jace chuckled,

“Alec listen to me! Jeff the killer is a killer who loses his sanity and begins killing to satisfy his homicidal urges. Jeff was a 13 year old boy that was a caring young man who loved his brother Liu.” Simon smiled as Jace just pushed the plate away,

“Anyway the point is that when you are in the bedroom at night, he would say to you, shh go to sleep and then he would come out of the cupboard and kill you.” Simon shrugged,

“So you’re stating that Jeff is gay!” Izzy stated as Clary chuckled,

“So if you can’t sleep or an insomniac then you can’t be killed.” Alec stated as Simon just rolled his eyes and muttered; _mundane_ under his breath. The conversation was cut short as Robert and Mayrise came into the kitchen.

“Okay, well you all know it’s been a month, and they said that they are going to the school to the memorial, so if you want to go it’s at 2 pm today.” Robert said as Alec sighed.

“I can’t believe it’s been a month.” Izzy sighed as Mayrise gave her a weak smile.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed that, and also the conversation about creepy pasta was based on the conversation that I had with a friend.**


	18. Silent Night

**Chapter 18: Silent Night**

The biting cold chilled his fingers into clumsy numbness; cold seeped into his toes and spread painfully throughout his feet as if it were his bare feet on the pristine icy whiteness rather than sneakers. His lips turned a more bluish hue and his teeth chattered like a pneumatic drill. He began to lose his sense of time, had he been out there for minutes or hours? The frigid wind poked him like icy fingers and wrapped around him like a shawl woven from the snow itself.

Everyone gathered, as the wind picked up. Alec shivered as someone was talking about the victims and how we will become stronger. When tears came, hot and endless, Alec knew they were for him too, for the child becoming the adult, for pain entering his world without the decency to knock first.

**Magnus P.O.V**

_It’s been a month!_ I sighed as I entered the graveyard. The graveyard was Kieran’s favourite place to eat lunch. He probably would wonder amongst the tombstones reading the inscriptions. He wasn’t weird; his brain was just wired differently.

He was my loving brother, how could a person sink so far? I walked out of the cemetery and walked up the road as I saw the memorial, I watched and listened, if they would mention Kieran’s name. But his name wasn’t mentioned. But I stood there, I waited.

If you look closer, you could see the perfected mask of pretence crumbling down and raw emotions taking over. If you listen carefully, you could hear the cries buried down deep beneath the fake laughs. It was enthralling how the dark held the power to bring the unsurfaced into the light. How it unmasks the hidden so brightly. Has the night always been this powerful? Did it always have the ability to make one see things better than its counterpart? Kieran loved New York, it’s the reason we moved here.

“Come to pay your respects.” I turned around to see Sebastian and Ragnor standing there.

“Yeah!” I muttered as Sebastian chuckled. Sebastian turned to Ragnor as he whispered into his ear.

“So...Let me rephrase this, what are you really doing here. Bane” Sebastian spat, as I stepped back.

“L...look I am sorry!” I realised that I was in danger as Sebastian chuckled.

“If only we could have hanged Kieran, but he had to go and commit suicide, reminds me a bit of how your mother died.” Ragnor smirked as I looked at him in shock. _That’s it!_

“You dickhead! Don’t talk about my mom!” I lunged at Ragnor as Sebastian’s fist made contact with my face. Ragnor laughed as Sebastian shoved me against the wall.

“Your dad attempted suicide, your brother and mother committed suicide. It seems like no one loves you Magnus!” Sebastian glared and in a subconscious gesture of disgust his nose wrinkled and he drew his fist backwards. What little colour had drained from their face?

“Hey!” I heard someone shout as Isabelle, Clary and Alec came over.

Isabelle grabbed Sebastian as Clary punched Ragnor. Ragnor doubled over, his hands flew down to his crotch.

“Are you okay?” Alec said as I felt his warm hand touch my skin, as I felt my heart beat faster, as I blushed.

“I shouldn’t have come. It’s my fault. Shouldn’t I feel guilty?” I whispered as Alec sighed.

“Magnus, its okay to feel whatever you need to feel! You are expected to feel pain, we are all mourning.” I felt Alec raise my chin as I looked directly into his blue eyes.

“You lost your brother. It’s not your fault to feel pain but it will take a long process.” Isabelle sighed as Clary joined them.

“Do you want to get some coffee?” Clary questioned as Jace joined them.

“I... I should go home!” I sighed as I left, I felt their eyes on me, as I turned the corner, and I ran. I ran past the shops, past the hospital and past a park. I wanted to run forever. Someone grabbed me as I tried to break free.

“Shh.!” The voice said as I turned around to see my dad. I broke down in his arms.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this fanfic**


	19. Awkward Date

**Chapter 19: Awkward date**

**A/N: Set 2 days after**

**Magnus P.O.V**

The lines of glares that shot for my eyelids awaked me. Spreading sunrise, pinkish glow, clouds tinted, colours spread across the sky announcing the new day, oranges and reds painted across the clouds as if by a celestial hand. I went downstairs and put some toast on. I was excited! I looked down on my phone as I re read the text that sent butterflies to my stomach.

**(1:23AM) Alec: Hiya! Um... do you want to go out to a restaurant? Around 7!**

**(6:45am) Magnus: Sup? Yeah that would be great. I come around to yours?**

**(6:50am) Alec: Yeah I’ll be waiting outside for you. TC. **

**(6:55am) Magnus: k CY soon**

I buttered the toast as my dad came in all dressed.

“You are going where?” I looked at him as he grabbed an apple,

“I’m going for an interview. Then I am going for lunch and then I am going to the pharmacist... Oh wait you’re not my parents so you don’t need to know where your father is going!” He looked at me as I raised my brow. _Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed._

“Well I do dad. Anyway, I am going out at 7.” I took a bite out of my toast, as he looked at me.

“Same!” He said as he opened the front door.

“Oh and Magnus, your flyer is down!” He smiled as I looked down and realised my pyjamas were sliding down.

“DAMN!”

**Meanwhile at the Fairchild’s household**

“YOU CAN’T FUCK COOK. YOU’RE SO SMALL YOU CANT EVEN REACH THE HOB.” Sebastian shouted, as Clary scoffed, throwing a handful of flour at him. Sebastian growled as he got an egg and threw it at Clary. Clary dodged it as she ran at Sebastian and jumped as she grabbed his hair as the siblings fell to the floor.

“What the hell is happening?” Jocelyn shouted as Luke grabbed Sebastian and Clary got up dusting the flour off her jeans.

“I was cooking pancakes and then he said to add both flour and sugar and then I was like no and he just called me short and he swore at me.” Clary huffed as Sebastian rolled his eyes.

Jocelyn turned to Sebastian as she turned red with anger.

“You’re the oldest and don’t judge Clary by her height and also don’t swear. NOW I want you both to clean yourselves up and both tidy up the kitchen!”

**18:51 pm. Outside the Lightwood house**

**Alec P.O.V**

I paced outside as I looked right to left, left to right. He wasn’t coming. _Where was he?_ I sighed as I looked at my phone; as I heard the front door open.

“Alec you know he probably come like in five minutes.” Izzy said as I ignored her, she sighed as she went back inside.

Magnus was walking up, as he came towards me, my blood wakes up my brain; though I thought myself already awake. My smile grows of its own accord and I can either let him see what he ignited or hide it, either way, he is so hot! _Stop!_ I told myself.

“So where are we going?” He looked at me as I felt myself smile like a school kid.

“It’s a surprise.” I smiled as I called for a taxi.

**Magnus P.O.V**

We went past shops and restaurants as I slightly jumped as Alec touched my hand.

“Sorry!” He said as he took his hand off mine.

“Doesn’t matter, so... how have you been?” I cussed myself. _This is the man of your dreams._ Alec smiled at me.

“It was fine. Except that Izzy scared the crap out of me.” He chuckled as I found myself laughing with him. _His laughter was contagious_

The taxi stopped as we got out. The restaurant was big, as the bright light filled the street. As the strong food smell wafted into the air. I felt Alec touch my hand as we walked in.

The tables were set with white rose gold cloth covered the black brass tables.

“Reservation for two. Under Alexander Lightwood.” The woman showed us to a table which was at the back of the restaurant by the palm trees. 

“It’s nice, how did you pay?” I looked at him in shock.

“I used my mother’s credit card. I took some money out of her card.” He had a sheepish smile, as I chuckled. _That’s what I did when dad wasn’t going to get me a new phone._

_“Do you want to order?” Alec looked at me as I heard my stomach rumble._

_Mac and cheese - $6.09_. That’s expensive I thought as I looked through the food.

I looked at Alec, as he looked at me.

“Have you been here before?” I looked at him.

“The last time I been to a restaurant was when I was 12. Izzy knocked the dishes out of the waiter’s hands and it went everywhere! Max was crying a lot because he wanted to sit on my lap, and he was pinching mom. After that mom didn’t want to go to another restaurant again!” I smiled as he chuckled.

“How about you! When was the last you went to a restaurant?” I looked at Alec,

“It was around when I was 9, in Jakarta, Kieran had a massive allergic reaction and dad got into a fight with one of the waiters, and then we got barred from that restaurant!” I sighed as I remembered how happy we once were. I felt Alec rub my hand.

“It is not your fault remember that!” He gave me a small smile as a waiter came over.

“Have you ordered?” The man smiled at us,

“Um..can I have a Turkey Piccata and Dandelion and burdock fizz!” I told him as I as Alec spoke.

“Can I have chicken pasta bake with Pepsi.” The man nodded as he left us.

“Isn’t that your dad?!” Alec whispered looking behind me, I turned around and he was right, dad was standing there wearing a black suit with another woman who was standing beside him.

The waiter brought them to the table next to us as I hid my face. Alec chuckled as I felt myself go red.

I felt my phone buzz as I took it out.

**Dad: WTF ARE U DOING HERE?**

**Magnus: I can ask u the same question.**

**Dad: Meet me in the toilet after I stand up.**

I sighed as I eyed my dad, as my attention went back to Alec who went bright red.

“Why are you red for?” I looked at Alec, as he shrugged.

“Can we order Prosciutto-Wrapped Chicken for two and two glasses of Armand de Brignac Champagne.” My dad ordered.

“Excuse me Diana I need to go to the toilet!” He got up as Alec looked at me.

“He told you to follow him didn’t he?” He looked at me as I nodded in embarrassment. I got up and followed my dad into the toilet.

“Do you know how dirty this looks!” I sighed as he grabbed me.

“What are you doing here, this is a posh restaurant!” He looked at me. _Is he calling me poor!_ I glared at him.

“I am on a date with Alexander who is paying. What are you doing here.!” I prodded my finger at him.

“There was a psychology and mental health conference in town, Diana and I used to work together, we aren’t on a date.” I smiled at him as he rolled his eyes at me.

“Believe me or not! I don’t give a damn. Just don’t embarrass me!” He said as he walked out the toilet, ducking his head slightly.

We both walked to our tables. As the day carried on smoothly and awkwardly.

**A/N: Talk about AWKWARD. Comment on what you think about the first malec date and also the father and son moment and the Seb and Clary fighting.**


	20. A walk through the park

**Chapter 20:** **A walk through the park**

**Set a day after, 2pm**

**Magnus P.O.V**

The sand is softly golden with just the right comforting warmth. To rest on the beach feels like a cosy hug, one only matched by the sunshine filled sky. Alec stretches out both arms and legs to look like a boy-starfish, his grin growing slowly into a broad smile. The only marker of time today is the sun above, the moments savoured by the waves that wash the sands in white lace. I laughed as Alec stood up brushing the sand off himself.

“So... How was yesterday’s date?” He smiled at me as I rolled my eyes, _embarrassing._ I thought as I laughed.

“Well other then my dad interrupting it was nice!” I felt myself go red as I looked down trying to hide myself from Alec as he giggled.

“It was embarrassing, but I liked it as well.” I raised my brow as I looked at him,

“It was embarrassing for you!” I playfully punched his shoulder as he laughed; we got to the rocks as we sat down, Alec scooped up the rock pool water as the water droplets seeped through his fingers.

“You know Kieran and I used to have water fights! He was the brave one and always picking up sea creatures like crabs.” I smiled at the memory as Alec wrapped his arm around me.

“We used to come here when we were little, Max was about 2 years old and he would always copy whatever Izzy or I was doing, so you know what Izzy picked up sand and shoved it down my boxers and Max did the same thing to himself.” I looked at him as I chuckled.

“I swear that sand went up my Assho...” I covered his mouth,

“I don’t need to hear anymore!” I said as he laughed, turning red, I scooped up the cold water and threw it at him; he gasped as he scooped the water as I got up and ran.

**An hour later, Magnus is at home...**

I entered the house as dad was talking to someone in the kitchen,

“It would be better if Magnus stays with us until you get yourself better!” The man said, I recognised that voice,

“Look father, he is not going anywhere, look what happened before, Kieran was abused by his grandmother, so how the hell am I supposed to trust you with Magnus.” Dad’s voice was raised, _Kieran was abused..._ I was going to knock but the arguing increased.

“It’s your fault that Kieran went all fucking crazy, if you would have been a better father and stayed with your children and actually took care of them then maybe Kieran wouldn’t have killed 15 others and himself.” I felt my heart race. _How dare he!_

“It’s my fault now! I didn’t even know that Sarah was pregnant; also me being a better father, I am a good father. Better then you when you were just fucking sleeping around, so don’t tell me how to look after my own god damn child!” I couldn’t take it as I stormed in,

“What do you mean Kieran was abused?” I looked at my dad as the other man turned around, granddad? I looked at him in surprise.

“Look son...” Dad was about to start, as granddad pulled me at my top,

“Go pack your bags.” He pushed me back as I kicked him in the chin, he raised his fist, quickly dad got in the way, pushing his dad back.

“I think you should leave!” He growled as he walked past me, his eyes filled with hatred and disgust. Before dad could speak, I ran upstairs.

**No One P.O.V**

Magnus’s faces the bedroom wall, his face creased and his fists closed so tight he can feel the sweat trapped inside them. That's when he hears a sound that almost stops his heart. From the other side of the room is a sobbing sound, like a small child who's lost his mama. There is no small child in the room, only his father.

“Magnus, please look at me!” He turns to face him,  
  
“Please just tell me why didn’t you tell me this before?” I looked at him as he sat down next to me...

**A/N: The next chapter I will skip when Magnus starts a new school...**


	21. Confrontation

**Chapter 21: Confrontation**

**A/N: I know that I said I was going to write about Magnus starting a new school, but I won’t as the focus on Asmodeus and Magnus relationship with each other.**

**Bane House**

Magnus sighed as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he hasn’t talked to his father since his granddad left, as he stretched and got up. He looked at the newspaper which was lying on his desk, the picture of his brother, Magnus looked at the picture, as he felt his heart aching.

His stomach contracted so violently that he had no time to reach the toilet bowl. Chunks of food covered in the creamy chime from his stomach were propelled into the air and splattered the carpet and wall of the hallway. He heaved again and once more the carpet was sprayed. Now he could not move forward without stepping on his own puke and he was feeling weak. He sank to his knees and retched until only clear liquid was coming up. His throat felt sore from the stomach acid and his mouth tasted of vomit. He heard his dad come out of the room as Asmodeus picked up Magnus slowly and placed him on the bed. He got a glass of cool fresh water as Magnus slowly drank it cool liquid.

“I am sorry.” He muttered looking at his dad, as Asmodeus sighed,

“It’s not your fault, I’ll clean up and you just rest.” His dad kissed his forehead as Magnus sighed.

**Alec P.O.V**

  
I walk to the archery station. The bows made of wood and plastic. Arrows with feathers cut in flawless uniform lines. I choose a bow, string it, and sling the matching quiver of arrows over my shoulder...Even as I pull back the bow I know something is wrong. The string's tighter than the one I use at home. The arrow's more rigid. I miss by a couple of inches and loose what little attention I had been commanding. I sighed as I dropped my bow as it bounced on the floor, people were looking as I grabbed the bow and the arrows and placed them on the rack before leaving.

I saw Kieran, before the shooting started, his face was like a ghost, his eyes black, I told him to go home and he just laughed, and I never knew what he meant when he told me;

“Alexander, most suicidal people are not crazy, most killers are, but you need to figure out before the media turns that person who used to be so popular and loved into a monster. You shouldn’t be afraid of strangers you should be afraid of the monsters inside the mind. Anyway, I’m also an introvert, so knowing tonnes of people aren’t very appealing either. That’s why I’m just taking to just you - one on one. That makes things nice and easy. I can deal with just one extra person. And it helps that you have such a great personality, who wouldn’t enjoy spending time with you?! “ I looked at him as he smiled at me and walked in the opposite direction. I was confused. I never told anyone about the few minutes before he began shooting, I just... What should I have done to stop this? Report him for being random. My thoughts were interrupted as Jace walked in.

“Alec I’m concerned about Izzy, she’s not eating and her room smells like vomit!” I looked at him, as he raised his brow,

“I talk to her.” I sighed as I walked out of my room and into Izzy’s. Jace was right, the smell of vomit was strong, I gagged as Izzy stood there, with tears as I hugged her, she was crying as I soothed her, rubbing her back.

_I don’t know if we are going to be okay?_

**_A/N: The next chapter Magnus confronts Asmodeus and Izzy talk about her mental health._ **


	22. Author Note

Hi, I am sorry to say in the difficult time that I wont be updating as due to personal and also I will be helping people in my community, so updating a chpater will probably come a bit later. I am sorry for any inconvenience, I will update but I dont know when.

Thank you, also keep safe, wash your hands and dont panic. 

See you all soon 


	23. Confrontation

**Chapter 23: Confrontation**

**Magnus P.O.V**

I lie there as tiny flickers of light entered my room. Kieran always said that the sunrise means so many things as it drifts in, igniting the colours of my room. This light is the greatest artist in history, creating beauty on the canvas beyond this window pane. It shines a path to my friends, and, as my mind wanders to them, I feel my eyes smile and a rising cosiness in my core. Along the way, these new rays will reveal silken webs and grass wands of many hues, the rich browns of oak arms, and the silver-cream of our moon above. Even before I move the duvet, I have dreamed each waving leaf, telling its own story to the wind with each dancing flutter. I slowly got out as my feet touched the cold wooden floor boards. I opened the silver door handle as I walked quietly to the master bedroom.

I entered the bedroom, as the bed was empty, I sighed as I walked into my dad’s study to see him typing on his laptop, and he looked up as I sat down on the chair opposite him.

“We need to talk about Kieran dad.” I told him as he looked at me,

“It’s early, how about later...” He said as I stood up and grabbed the laptop,

“Let’s talk now, because I know that you know that we are not going to talk ‘later.” I said as he rolled his eyes,

“So... I know you took me in first and then Kieran 3 months later.” I looked at him, as he sighed.

“That’s not exactly what happened. I took you both in when you were around 7 and he was 8, just months after your mother killed herself, I was busy in the study and you two were on your bikes, that is when I heard shouting, I ran out and you were standing there, but Kieran, was gone.” He rubbed his temple, as he looked outside of the stain glass window.

“Magnus, I found Kieran, he was in Jakarta, your grandparents took him, I don’t know what happened, but he never talked about it, when I found him, he was covered in bruises and scratches. I called the police but no evidence ever came to light” He stood up, as he rubbed my shoulders, I stood up as I stormed to my room, I take a deep breath. I want to shout, have a tantrum and beat my hands on the ground like a toddler. I want to vent, let it out, but I don't want to say words I don't mean, be hurtful. It's just so easy to be cruel in that moment and then the damage is done. I raised my fist and punched the wall hard, my knuckles going red each time they came into contact with the concrete wall.

**Isabelle P.O.V**

I am not enough, I am not enough, I am not enough. I rock back and forth, mumbling at myself. I tug at my hair, tufts come out. My heart beats loudly, this heavy drum only I can hear.  
  
I find myself scrambling through the woods, checking back to see if I am being followed. Moonlight reflects in the puddles, leaves scrunch under foot. A shadow appears. Silence. I stop, circled round, hearing for the slightest movement. The sound of a breaking twigs echo in my head. Then it hit me. This was fear in my mind, controlling me. Using me. I felt someone tug me as I scratched the arms to whoever was holding me,

“Izzy” Someone whispered as I turned around to see my brother standing there,

I looked at him as I hugged him,

“Please, Alec, please help me.” I hugged him as he whispered,

“I am here, Izzy” He said.

* * *

**2 hours later...**

**Alec P.O.V**

The black leather journal was sitting on the desk as I lifted up the pen, _mother always told me to write my feelings._

I sighed as I took the pen to the white pages as I started to write.

_Sanity is just a limited mind. Sanity is a mental operating system accepted by the masses as within normal parameters. I'm not like you, I have something different. I can shift from one operating system to another quite invisibly. You won't ever know which one I'm using because I don't have to tell you a god damn thing. Until your shrinks can mind read, we're done. No more cosy chats, no more honesty, no more drugs, and no more rooms without door handles. I don't need you anymore. I'm not mentally ill. I'm the gingerbread man._

I sighed as I closed my journal as I opened the bottom draw; my mind froze as I saw two manga comics sitting there, those belonged to Max, I scooped them up as I left the journal on the table, as I went to the empty bedroom which was dormant, I sighed as I placed the manga on his bed, I sighed as I quickly left the room.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed that chapter and comment on what you think. Please be safe.**


	24. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have introduced a new character Magnus cousin. He is 14, Magnus is 17 and Alec is 16 while Izzy, Jace and Clary are 14, Sebastian and Simon are 15. Ragnor is 18 and Raf is 17

**Chapter 24: Comfort**

**A/N: Set the next day**

Alec looked down at his sister who was curled up beside him; he got up as Izzy groaned, that is when Alec noticed something strange on Izzy’s arms. _Track marks,_ he sighed as he went downstairs to fetch some water as he bumped into his father.

“Alexander!” His dad said out loud as Alec raised a brow and moved past him as Robert quickly ran up the stairs, Alec sighed as he filled the glass with crisp and cold water for Izzy. Alec silently walked up the stairs and placed the glass on Izzy’s bedside table. He went out of the bedroom and he heard a thump coming from dad’s bedroom, _mom was in Alicante, so who is that?_ The thumping got louder as he knocked on the door, the room was silent for a bit as he heard a quick movement someone running across the bedroom. Alec quickly opened the door to see his dad lying there under the covers, he smiled at him.

“Alexander whats up?” Robert said still smiling as Alec noticed some pants on the corner of the bed as he nodded slowly backing out of the room.

**Magnus P.O.V**

My cousin smiled at me as I looked at him with disgust, Jack, was putting anything on a pizza. There were the days he pulled a plain cheese from the oven just to make us laugh, but most days it was an edible form of his crazy wonderful imagination. It was the thing we looked forward to the most after our day.

“It is 8 in the morning!” I looked at him as I dropped my spoon into the bowl of cereal,

“Magsi haven’t you heard of brunch my dear?” He smiled at me as I rolled my eyes as my dad came downstairs,

“why are you....?” Dad just rolled his eyes as he looked at Jack, as I stood up pushing my dad out of the kitchen as he turned around,

“What?” He looked at me,

“He has to go home, I can’t live here while he eats almost everything.” I sighed,

“I promised his dad I would look after him for a week.” He said as I looked back to see him slicing a banana as I gagged.

“He is just like you.” I heard my dad whisper as I looked at him,

“How the hell is he like me?” I growled as my dad was walking to the front door,

“Just look after him okay.” He said as I glared at him, the front door closed as I turned around to see a pizza shoved in my face, I slapped Jack’s arm away, as he chuckled.

“So do you have a boyfriend? Girlfriend?” He asked as pictures of Alec played in my head,

“Who are you thinking off?” My thoughts were interrupted as Jack bit into the pizza making a banana fall to the floor. I gagged.

“When is your dad coming back?” Jack said as he touched my arm with his ketchup stained hand as I jumped back from him.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed that, Jack is 14 years old while Magnus is 17 years old. I am sorry for this short chapter.**


	25. The people that we love

**Chapter 25: The people that we love**

**A/N: Set the next day,**

**Alec P.O.V**

The rain pelted at my bedroom window as I made my way out and into Izzy’s room, she was sitting there doodling as I walked in. She turned around as I sat down next to her.

“Are you okay?” I questioned as I looked at her arm with the small puncture holes, she laughed at me as I raised my brow,

“I am fine.” She said looking at me, as I sighed.

“Izzy you know when I told you if I was hurting I would have told you, well you need to trust me and tell me.” I said as I kissed her forehead.

“I will big brother!” She hugged me as I hugged her back.

**Sebastian P.O.V**

Ragnor and I ran as the shopkeeper ran after us, my heart was racing and I knew I had to keep going. Branches constantly attacked me, leaves crunched under my feet and big, brown logs seemed to appear out of nowhere as if to try and stop me. Ragnor laughed as I looked behind as to see him gone, I grabbed Ragnor as he lost his footing and fell.

“Ragnor!” I rolled my eyes as he got up, brushing the dust of his jeans, I looked up to see Raphael standing there.

“What are you doing?” He said looking at Ragnor,

“Nothing!” Ragnor smiled at Raphael as I chuckled to myself still trying to catch my breath.

“THERE THEY ARE!” We turned around to see two police men with the shopkeeper as we both laughed and ran past Raphael.

**Magnus P.O.V**

Jack was a holding a tennis ball as I got my book, he threw it as I caught the ball before it hit me, I growled at him as I stood up and opened the window and threw the ball out.

“Oh come on Magnus, your a spoil sport.” He groaned as he pushed past me.

A sudden knock was heard as I jumped, Jack chuckled as I punched him, and I went and opened the door. I was shocked to

see Raphael standing there, his hands in his pant pocket.

“can I come in?” He said as I nodded not saying anything, as no words came out, I stepped back as he came in.

**A/N: What is Raphael is going to say? Should Izzy tell Alec the truth**


	26. Fear

**Chapter 26: Fear**

**A/N: This chapter is a bit short sorry, but next chapter will be start of a new school.**

**Warning: self harm mentioned**

Isabelle was back at the school as the shooting began fear curled up inside her and clung to her ribs, settling uncomfortably in her chest. She didn’t doubt the feeling was there to stay, reminding her of its existence every time she opened her mouth to breathe. Footsteps as she clutched her phone in her hand as another gunshot was heard in the distance.

“Izzy.” Someone called out her name as she was suddenly jolted; she was awake as Jace was holding her. _It was a nightmare._ Izzy was shivering as her palms were sweaty

**Magnus P.O.V**

“Who are you?” Jack said to Raphael as I placed the cup of tea in front of him.

“Jack mind your own business.” I said as Raphael rolled his eyes.

“I won’t be staying long, I just wanted to talk about...” I looked at him as he sighed rubbing his temple. _I am sorry._ I wanted to say, but no words could form.

“I am sorry for what I did to you, you know after Rosa’s death and now my brother, I couldn’t look at you.” He sighed as I knew about Rosa death, she died a few years back after battling cancer.

“Look I am sorry for your brother’s death.” I looked at him as he stood up.

“How is your father?” He said as I walked him to the door.

“He is fine, he’s trying to get a new job at a hospital.” He sighed as he left.

**Alec P.O.V**

Max’s room was silent and untouched for two months. I sighed as I sat on the small bed.

I took the knife to my skin as the silver blade was cold to my skin. I cut my skin as the crimson liquid seeped out, I did four more times as a slow pain sears through my abdomen better than a branding iron, my mind conceding to the torment, unable to bring a thought to completion. I stood up as I covered my arm to stop the bleeding,

_I am sorry._ I thought as I slowly walked out of the room.

**Clary P.O.V**

The images of Silverton High flooded my brain as the victims and the tributes was playing, I shivered as I stumbled to the corner of the room, and with each step my stomach tightened and ached all the more. I kept swallowing, and my throat kept clenching, but no matter what I could not stop the warm feeling rising through my chest. Then I could taste it at the back of my mouth. Constance buckled over. A warm, clouded, cream coloured liquid spilled from my mouth, and sizzled as it splashed over the cold stone floors.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it, also thank you key workers and NHS staff. Please keep safe, wash your hands and keep yourself busy.**


	27. Depression is the killer enemy

**Chapter 27: Depression is the killer enemy**

**A/N: Set a week after**

There was something in that shout, a pain behind it. Alec watched. He watched his sister’s eyes. Then he knew. The anger was nothing but a shield for pain, like a cornered soldier randomly throwing out grenades, scared for her life, lonely, desperate. She breathed in real slow. What if nothing blew up? What if there were no consequences? Wouldn't Izzy have to calm down? Wouldn't the shield clatter to the ground and let the pain tumble out?

“I can’t do this anymore.” Izzy was muttering to herself repeatedly as her brother held her tightly.

**Asmodeus P.O.V**

They told me to move on when she died, and now they won’t let me forget Kieran’s death. How can I?

I can't let go of the pain without losing something sacred. The good memories keep me going and the bad ones make me want to curl under the duvet and never come out again, but they are locked tight together like two sides of the same coin.

The door opened as Magnus stood there, I sighed as I smiled at him.

It took me by sudden surprise as Magnus hugged me tightly, I hugged him back as we stood there for a couple of minutes, but it felt like hours.

**Clary P.O.V**

_Dear students and staff, I am informing you that school will reopen after a tragic incident that took place. School will reopen on Monday 7 th September and students will come in at 10 for an assembly._

_Thank you, and hope you stay safe and strong during these hard times._

_Philip Johnson_

_Vice principle_

_Silverton High._

I gave the letter to Jace as he sighed, its two weeks from now. My brother came into the kitchen as he sat down on the couch.

“I don’t want to go back to Silverton.” Jace sighed rubbing his temple.

“Talk to your mom.” I looked at him as he gave me a weak smile.

“Where would you go?” Sebastian said as he looked over at us.

“I don’t know. But I should go back home to talk to Alec and Izzy.” He said as I kissed him as he walked out.

Luke came in as Jocelyn was holding a shopping bag.

“Did you do your chores?” Luke looked at me as I nodded.

“I’m going out.” Sebastian said quickly as he ran out of the front door before mom could say something.

**Magnus P.O.V**

The letter read out as I sighed, I am going to start my new school, in a new town, where hopefully people don’t know who I am. I turned the hob on as I started to burn the letter. Feelings of anxiety lifting from my chest.

I washed my hands and opened the window as my dad came down.

“What were you burning?” He looked at me as I shrugged.

“A letter from Knightbridge Academy.” I sighed as I sat down **.**

“Dad, can you describe depression for me?” I question him as I knew Kieran had depression, which was added to a list I didn’t know about him.  
“Depression is the unseen, unheard, silent killer. It is the pain that is too much to cope with, too hard to deal with and never understood. It is something that you can’t escape, no matter how hard you try it ALWAYS swallows you again. It constantly follows you around, like black smoke choking you from the inside out. Like a lion clawing at your heart and mind, eating pieces of you until there is nothing left.” He replied in a low voice as he got a bottle of Pepsi and wolfed it down as he walked off. 

**A/N: How do you think Asmodeus is handling the incident. And what about Izzy and Alec. Comments and kudos are appreciated.**


	28. Depression is the killer enemy part 2

**Chapter 28: Depression is the killer enemy part 2**

**A/N: Set a few hours after**

**Isabelle P.O.V**

“Are you nervous of going back to school?” Simon said as he looked at me as I shrugged.

“I don’t know, about you?” I looked at him as Simon shrugged.

“I... I don’t want to go back to that school, my brother died; he wasn’t even supposed to be there. I shouldn’t have told mom to pick me up.” I felt my chest tighten as Simon hugged me.

“It is not your fault Izzy, you wouldn’t have known that was going to happen.” Simon said as I hugged him tighter.

“Family meeting come down!” Dad called as I sighed as Simon and I came down.

“What were you two doing?” Alec said glaring at Simon.

“Nothing.” I told him as Simon smiled at Alec.

“Okay we know that you are going back to New York High in two weeks time, we just know that it is going to be hard.” Mom stated as Alec spoke up.

“I would want to go to Knightbridge?” He said as I raised my brow at him. _Why Knightbridge?_ I thought as dad looked at him.

“Knightbridge is far Alexander, and anyway, it’s too late to enrol into another school.” Dad said as Alec sighed.

“I just...” Jace was about to start as Mayrise raised her hand to silence him.

“Look if you want to talk we are here, Clary and Simon are going back, and they aren’t complaining.” Mom said as I rolled my eyes as Simon huffed not saying anything.

**Magnus P.O.V**

_24 th August 2016_

_Dear Kieran,_

_I know that I haven’t written in a long time, well I have been keeping myself busy, I am starting a new school in two weeks time and I am just nervous. I am angry, Kieran. God I am so angry._

_I just wish the ground would swallow me up! Why did you have to go and shoot up the school?_

_People would know me, they would know who I am. I have to act like a different person, because if I act out they would just judge me, but I am not like you. I know that._

_You don’t know what it’s like, or what I am feeling, what were you feeling when you walked into the hall that morning? Dad is worse, I can see it even though he tries to hide it, I know he is suffering as hell. I don’t know what you were feeling! I don’t know but I know one thing that a dark shadow crept into your soul and consumed you with hate and anger. I understand that people walk around this earth each day and pretend that everything is okay, and it always will be. Why can’t we just admit that we are just like a hollow plastic doll with a painted happy face revealing no guilt, sadness, emptiness?_

_People are so judgemental._

_Until next time._

_Magnus_

I looked down at the journal as the smell of ink, my dad was out. As I went downstairs and unlocked the cabinet, as I took out a bottle of Vodka and drank.

**Hotel room**

Asmodeus grabbed her by the waist, pulling her up close against his chest. His hand gently glided through her hair, as he looked at her in a way he had never looked at a girl before. Her eyes lit up, as I pushed her onto the bed. As a small but teasing smile crept upon her face, goosebumps lined her skin, not the kind than one gets in the cold, but the kind one gets when nothing else matters except right here, right now. He sighed as his phone rang,

“Sorry, just one sec.” He said as Asmodeus saw that his son rang, he answered as Magnus voice was heard.

“Where are you dad?” Magnus said as Asmodeus sighed.

“You’re old enough to look after yourself.” With that Asmodeus threw his phone down and embraced the woman under him.

**A/N: I know the ending was a bit well... you know. Well comment and kudos are welcome.**


	29. School Day part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set two weeks after

**Chapter 29: School Day**

**_A/N: Set two weeks after school and also I know I published earlier than usual but I won’t publish next Monday, but would return back to normal after. Thank you. Please kudos and comment._ **

**Alec P.O.V**

_"Alexander, wake up!"_ My mother shouted from downstairs, as I slowly and reluctantly open my eyes, I blink as the streaks of sunlight penetrated through the window as the light danced on my bed. I groaned as I stretched as I sat up. I walked over to the door as Jace was sitting on his bed; I rolled my eyes as I tried opening the bathroom door.

"Go away!" Izzy shouted from the bathroom as I pounded again.

"I am getting ready!" I heard her growl. 

"I just need to go to the toilet." I groaned.

"Also I need to style my hair..." I lied as I waited for the door to unlock as Izzy appeared. 

"Really do you do...?" Before she could finish I pulled her out and locked the door behind me as I laughed to myself.

**Magnus P.O.V**

The feelings of dread flooded my system. I boiled the kettle for the fifth time that morning, already filled to the brim with tea and wired with caffeine, I busied myself getting the cups and teabags ready. Another quick glance at the luminous digital clock of the oven only seemed to confirm that time was slowing down, my stomach knotted up. 

"How much tea did you drink?" I heard my dad said behind me as I felt the sweat drip down my back. 

"I can’t go dad. I can’t..." No words could form as I felt sick. 

"Your just anxious, Magnus." My dad lifted my chin so I was looking at him.

"I know you're worried about starting a new school, but Magnus, you knew this day would come, so look you don't need to go today." He looked at me as I sighed focusing on my breathing.

"No dad, its fine." I said as I went back upstairs. 

**_9:25 am_ **

**Isabelle P.O.V**

The school bus slowly came as Jace grinned at me, but I saw in his eyes he was anxious. Who wouldn’t be? 

The bus stopped as we walked on sitting on the damp leather seat. The bus was empty as a few students were sitting at the back. They gave us a weak smile as I sat next to Alec.

The bus rocks us from side to side as we travel these familiar roads, our brains didn't afforded the time to daydream or rest.

"Are you scared?" Alec looked at me.

"No!" I lied, I was scared, I was scared of going back to the same school my brother died, where I saw my friends bleeding out and I couldn't do anything to stop that.

The bus was quiet, as the noises of murmers and whisperes just filled the bus. 

The bus came to a stop as I looked outside to see the school. The wind howls as we stood there, the silver gates and the smiling teachers, waiting to greet us, I felt Alec's hand as I looked at him.

"Are you ready?" He looked at me.

"I am..." I said as we walked in.

_**A/N: Hi, hope you enjoyed this fic, part 2 would be about Magnus starting his new school and facing bullying. Please kudos and comment. Thanks** _


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30: School Day Part 2**

**Magnus P.O.V**

I rested my head against the window; I pulled my navy hoodie closer to myself, not wanting anyone to recognise me. The bus was filled with students who were just talking. There was that strange feeling in my stomach again, a soft mixture between nausea and electric tingles. My palms were sweaty. _Its okay, Magnus, you will be fine._ I kept telling myself.

The bus slowed down as I stood up, my legs were shaking as I started to make myself get up, holding onto the rail, I went to the closed door, I turned around to the bus driver to let him open the door.

“My friend’s son went to that school.” He said to me as the bus door slides open as I step out. I ignored the bus driver comment as I carried on walking, I got to the school as I walked past the green iron gates as the security guard came up to me. I sighed, _I didn’t have my letter._

“I am new!” I told him as he told me to spread my legs apart as he searched me.

“Whats your name?” He said as I looked at me. _Seriously?_

“Magnus Bane!” Saying the ‘Bane’ quietly, we were interrupted as a woman came over.

“Thank you, Johnson.” She said.

“So where is your letter?” She looked at me as we walked into a building.

“I um... my dad lost it.” I lied as she looked at me.

“Ok. You’re late, and we start at 8:30... Here is your timetable and I am going to call you out for an induction around the school and I will pair you off with a buddy.” She smiled as I looked down at my timetable.

_English. Room 203_ I looked back up as she was walking away.

_This is going to be a long day!_

**Alec P.O.V**

“Alexander. Pay attention.” The teacher said as I looked up at my phone as I gave him a smile. He began to walk over as I knew I had to give in my phone. I sighed, as I fiddled under the table. _Wet chewing gum._ I pulled the gum off under the table as I placed it in the hand of my teacher as I slid my phone in my pocket.

_Note to self: Wash hands later._ As the other students started to gag as some laughed.

**Magnus P.O.V**

The school hallway stank. The odour of the stale urine curled from under the restroom doors, depressingly mixed with deodorant and body odour in equal measure. I was in the right block and the right hall.

_Room 203._

I knocked as I entered the class.

“This is Magnus everyone, and we should welcome him to our new school.” The teacher said as I made my way back off the class.

“Should? We shouldn’t miss. Evil minds think alike.” A black haired boy stated.

“Noah that is enough!” I sat down as a group of boys sitting in the fourth row was staring at me as I got my book out.

**A/N: Hope you enjoy and comment and kudos are welcome.**


	31. Malec

**Chapter 31: Malec**

Alexander slowly opened his eyes as his head rested softly on Magnus's bare chest. He didn't want to move in case he woke Magnus up. 

He remembered what happened last night:

_Alec kissed Magnus's soft lips as Magnus pushed his body next to Alec's. Alec pulled Magnus closer as their bodies were touching. Magnus slowly unbuttoned Alec's shirt as Alexander giggled feeling Magnus's cold fingers brush against his stomach as Magnus giggled with him. Alec pushed Magnus onto the soft silk bed as Magnus raised his brow. "Wow..." Magnus was interrupted as Alec kissed him._

"Do you love me Alexander?" The question broke Alec's thought as he looked up to see Magnus's amber eyes stare into his.

"Yes I do Magnus. I loved you since 6th grade!" Alec said as Magnus kissed him,

Magnus was about to say something as a loud voice was heard from downstairs.

"Magnus and Alec come downstairs to have breakfast!" Asmodeus shouted at the two teenagers which made Magnus groan.

"He knew that I was here." Alec said shocked as he thought Asmodeus was at work.

"He walked in on us; you pushed him out of the room and shut the door on his face!" Magnus chuckled making Alec blush.

Alec stretched as he slowly got up, his feet touching the soft red carpet; he ran his fingers through his messy dark hair as he tried to search for his top. He looked behind him to see Magnus hugging the duvet a little tighter as he rolled so that it enclosed him in warmth; Alec rolled his eyes as he pulled the duvet as Magnus groaned glaring at a smug Alec.

"It’s Sunday..." Magnus groaned as the door opened, Alec jumped as he turned around to see who was standing there. Asmodeus smiled, as he was eyeing Alec's bare chest. Magnus coughed which caught his dad's attention as Magnus got up.

"Dad, stop looking at him!" Magnus said as Alec quickly grabbed a random top and placed it on.

"What? Can't I appreciate beauty?" Asmodeus stated which made Alec blush. Magnus groaned as he pushed his dad out of the bedroom closing the door.

"Also he has a nice ass." Asmodeus shouted.

"Dad shut up!" Magnus shouted as Alec snorted.

"I am so sorry about him." Magnus gave Alec a small smile as Magnus grabbed his jeans and his sequenced top.

* * *

The kitchen has dark brown cabinets with two double doors. The cabinets are filled with dishes, cups and bowls on one side and spices along with a box of assorted celestial season’s tea and two boxes of assorted individual packs of oatmeal on the other. To the right, below the cabinet doors is the sink, there are generally dirty dishes in the sink just begging to be washed. The sink is surrounded by a forlorn stove to the left and a dish rack to the right. Six chairs were decorated around the table as the black dining room table was decorated with gold trimmings. 

Alec was amazed as he noticed a picture frame of two smiling boys, _Kieran and Magnus._ They both hugged each other as they smiled into the camera. 

"You have a nice kitchen." Alec said as Magnus looked at him.

"Thanks, even though I am the only one who looks after it." Asmodeus stated glaring at Magnus. 

"Also I am making breakfast, so sit." Asmodeus said as Magnus sat next to Alec.

"He won’t apologise for what he said to you, and I know that is rude but that's my dad for you." Magnus sighed as Alec didn’t really mind. _He was just freaked out._

"Is he going to poison us?" Alec said which made Magnus laugh.

"We are having a strawberry and coconut milk muffins. They are so nice." Magnus said as Alec's stomach rumbled.

"Does your dad have any siblings?" It was a random question but Izzy said something about Asmodeus having a large family.

"Um... Yeah he has nine siblings, seven brothers and two sisters. My dad is the fifth eldest." Magnus said as Alec raised his brow. _Nine! That’s huge!_ Alec thought.

"My uncle, Levi, he lives in Rochester New York. All his other siblings live around the globe." Magnus stated.

"Wow!" Alec said which made Magnus laugh as Asmodeus came in with cups.

"Are you going out?" Asmodeus said looking at Alec.

"Are we?" Magnus said looking at Alec who shrugged.

"That’s good! Cuz I’m going to take you out." Asmodeus said grinning as he walked back into the kitchen.

**_A/N:_ ** _**Hope you enjoyed it, please comment and kudos where do you think Asmodeus is going to take the boys and I hoped you enjoyed the cute Malec fluff moment.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and kudos


	32. Fogiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos. This is the last part of this fanfic, and I hope you enjoy.

**Chapter 32: Forgiveness**

**_A/N: Set an hours later_ **

The traffic snaked up the hill, two lines of steel and tire, each capable of over two hundred kilometres per hour and each averaging about five in their stop-start fashion.

Magnus was holding a black urn; Alec held Magnus's hand tighter as Asmodeus glared at him from the rear -view mirror.

"So where are we going exactly?" Alec questioned as Asmodeus rolled his eyes at him.

"Coney Island. Kieran would want his ashes scattered there." Magnus said as Alec rubbed his shoulder for support.

"We need to be careful on the rocks, it won’t be that busy!" Asmodeus stated as Alec felt a awkwardness in the car between them.

The car stopped as Magnus slowly got out.

"Magnus why don't you start going Alec and I are going to have a little chat!" Asmodeus said gripping Alec's arm.

"Um...Ok!" Magnus looked at them as Alec looked at Magnus with his blue desperate eyes to not leave him alone but Magnus was already walking away from the car.

"So are you two dating?" Asmodeus said looking at Alec, as Alec nodded.

"So, what are your intentions with Magnus?" Asmodeus gripped Alec's arm harder as Alec wanted to leave.

"I love him and he loves me, I would never hurt him and I would always protect him." Alec whimpered as Asmodeus tighten his grip,

"What else?"Asmodeus was now smirking as Alec looked at him with wide eyes. _Was he going to kill me?_ Thoughts ran through Alec's mind.

"Saying something good and then I won’t probably maybe killed you." Asmodeus said smirking as Alec looked at him in shock.

"When Magnus looks in the mirror he sees brokenness, anger, hurt, pain, sorrow and the list goes on and on. When other people look at him all they see is his brother and his reflection. But that's because they don't see his true self, his inner pain because he can hide it from the world. Afraid of what they would think of him. I know that I am not great but when someone he loves like me or you, we are not beside him in the mirror. But looking back at him. Magnus and I changed each other's brokenness, to one again. He turned my anger to joy, his hurt to happiness, my pain to kindness, and his sorrow to glorious. I love him Asmodeus, and I would do everything in my power to protect him from those that would to harm him." Alec poured his heart out has he didn’t recognise Magnus standing there in awe. Asmodeus rolled his eyes as he let Alec's arm go and got out of the black BMW.

"That was sweet!" Magnus said as he grabbed Alec and kissed him.

They walked along the ocean shore, no-one speaking a word, everyone lost in their own torrid thought. The rocks shift unhelpfully underfoot, testing our agility and sense of balance. The small, wet pebbles that lined the beach sparkled in the lingering light of sunset. The water was almost still, small waves occasionally hitting the beach with little force. Alec reached down to pick one up, running my thumb over its smooth surface. It was perfectly round, with no sharp edges or jagged curves. Alec swunged his arm back and flicked his wrist, watching the small pebble skip across the surface of the sea.

"We are here..." Magnus said as Alec held his hand, Magnus looked at him as his left arm was hurting, where Asmodeus gripped his arm tight.

* * *

**3 hours later, back at the Bane's house.**

Magnus looked at the last pages of the journal as he flipped through the pages where he doodled, and he was writing Kieran's name over and over again.

He turned the page, as he started writing.

_1st January 2017_

_Dear Kieran,_

_I know that I wrote to you like four days ago, but this will be my last entry, and this book of my thoughts would be me turning a new page._

_I.... I spent so long in that first stage of grief, in denial that you could do something like that. I had what you would call; 'a childish spirit that loves everyone and everything, that seeks to heel others and bring joy. I think I was in denial not for days but weeks; sometimes I would want to just end my life. Well Alec and dad got me through this. Dad has been suffering as well, he is hurting even though he doesn't want me to see._

_Now I can say that I can move on. I have learned to stop myself from thinking of the gun shots and the blood. I can say that dad and I need something better. I found myself._

_Also a special someone told me to smile. This special person was just trying to look out for me. I love him and he loves me. So I guess I can say that I am happy._

_I forgive you brother._

_Your sincerely,_

_Magnus Bane...._

**_A/N: Hope you enjoyed this fanfic. Comments and kudus are welcome, tell me what you liked._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please kudos


	33. Author Note

Hi, I've got good news me and my friend will be rewriting this fanfic and remodeling this fanfic as we both decided it would be better like that.

If you want to contact me through Twitter, my Twitter account is

Lucifer_Oldest


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